Beauty in the Breakdown

Wow, so I dont even know where to start. For the past few days, I guess since Tuesday or Wednesday then I have been dealing with ALOT of emotions and trying to hide them as well as I could. Its a little complicated to explain how my mind and thinking process works, but I'll do the best I can. . For a while now I've been trying to live up to people's expectations and I fail almost everytime. I want to be a normal stable girl, who does not have all this emotional weakness who cries at the drop of a pin. Right now I'm struggling to get over jealousy and bitterness, also trying to see myself the way God sees me, rather than what I see when I look in the mirror. I had been doing fairly well with these issues up untill just last week.

When I fail then I just want to have a huge breakdown, but then I dont want to show anyone I'm having these problems because then everyone will just think I'm too needy and weak! And thats my pet peeve.
I DONT WANT TO BE NEEDY! I just want to stuff all my emotions and problems and pretend I have a perfect life.

Well this week I found out that is definatly NOT possible for me at this time. Since I had been stuffing all those things, I got to the point where I felt like I was in the bottom of a big hole and didnt know how to get out. I couldnt pray, I couldnt pray for myself, or for other people, I couldnt talk to God! I felt soo far away that it just got me even more depressed!! It was this HUGE cycle that just kept my head spinning and still even confuses me. Needless to say, I didnt eat anything but 1/2 of a cinnaman roll ALL day saturday. And Sunday all I had was a sandwich. I felt so emotionally stuck that if I ate I wouldnt be able to keep it down. My stomach was in knots, and my head was in circles. What even made it worse was I couldnt even cry!!! And thats just not normal for me! I tried sooo hard to cry, and the tears just wouldnt come. . but my insides were screaming! Well last night at Life Group 401 during praise and worship I just sat there, I couldnt sing, couldnt pray, couldnt think about God. I was so distracted by my feelings. It wasnt untill the last song we sang called

"Yearn" by Shane Barnard

holy design

this place in time

that i might seek and find my God

my God

Lord i want to yearn for You

i want to burn with passion

over You and only You

Lord i want to yearn

Your joy is mine

yet why am i fine

with all my singing and bringing grain

in light of Him

oh You give life and breath

through Him You give all thing

sin Him we live and move

that's why i sing

So this is the song that I could really connect with! I just lost it and starting balling! It felt soo good to cry! When the song was over I quickly ran to the bathroom so no one would see my tears. When I finished crying and wiped my tears I then returned to the group. The guys had gone upstairs so it was just us girls. I sat down and tried hiding that I had just had, yet another emotional breakdown..

When there was a break in the group Lori (a good friend of mine) saw my heart and what I was hiding and crawled over to me and asked to pray for me. She embraced me and prayed in my ear, tears started to trickle my face again, and then the room fell silent. When she finished as I looked up I was a little embarrassed because every girl in that room was staring at me. But at the same time I felt like a burden had been lifted. Everyone starting encouraging me and finding scriptures. I just felt so built up. (thank you all!) And the very girls that satan was trying to get me to be jealous of, were the ones who were telling me I was beautiful! Inside and out. It was so good to just be open and get all of it out! I felt so refreshed! Even after group let out, it was almost like a war for people to get my attention, just one person after the other. I felt SO loved and SO accepted! Like never before!

Although, I was still sooo emotional.. just good emotions now :) but then I was really excited wanting to go to Braums after group and tell Taylor EVERYTHING that had just happend! He was talking and having a good time with his friends though and not wanting to leave at that time, I took it as rejection and my emotions flipped again. In anger, rejection, and dissappointment I drove off the Braums to get a get ice cream by myself and take my cares to God. I began praying and instantly Taylor calls me, he hears the pain in my voice and recognized that he had hurt me. Without even asking him to come, within 2 min I feel his arm around me just embracing me. As I continue crying I tell him how I was feeling (communication is the key). Also sharing all the joys that came for group. By the end of the talk I was smiling again. How can I seriously stay frustrated at Taylor?! :)

Anyways, in the big picture, this is just how I feel. . .

In the past, my relationships were solely based on physical apperance, guys liked me for what that saw on the outside. All I had to do was put on a little more make-up, lose a little weight, and wear skankier clothes and bam, I have another guy that wants me.

Taylor is different, he likes me not only for what he sees on the outside, but more importantly on what I have on the inside. Knowing this, puts soo much pressure on me. Sometimes I feel like I have to live up to his spiritual standards, or emotional stableness. With other guys I could just hide behing the make-up. With Taylor, theres no hiding. It so much harder to change your heart than to change your shirt. This was the main cause and reason for sending me into this whole emotional wreck.

But our talk last night, has been one of the most meaningful talks we've had. It encourage me to know that no matter what season I'm going through spirtitually or/and emotionally he is still there for me! He assured me that just because things get crazy or hard etc that he's NOT giving up! He'll love me through better and through worse. It still to this day amazes me how he has the patience and the heart to commit to me and love me and be there for me.

Its undescribable, uncontainable, all the blessings God has giving me! I am now WORRY FREE!!! I thank God for the really really exciting happy times! and for my lowest of lows. Knowing, He is always there for me, loving me unconditionally!

So just close your eyes, and listen to this song, let your heart race and yearn for HIM!

TOMS!

So I have a Friday Finding :)
If you havent heard of TOMS Shoes, I encourage you to look into them.

It was started by a young man, Blake Mcoskie. The shoes were inspired by traditional Argentine shoe and challenged by the continents poverty and health issues. He created TOMS with a singular mission: To make life more comfortable. To accomplish this through its unique shoe and his commitment to match every pair purchased with a donated pair to a child in need... no complicated formulas, its simple... You buy a pair of TOMS and he gives a pair to a child in South Africa on your behalf.


He is very mission minded and this just tickles me knowing someone is doing this! I just love it and support him. I'm buying my first pair of TOMS today, and you should too :) He also sells hats, and shirts. Also available is a Feed a Child bag; its a really cute bag you can buy for $65, when done, all the money goes to feed one child in South Africa for a school year. I love this guy's heart for children!

WHAT A BITTER ROOT!

YIKES! I've never realized how much bitterness I've stored up and kept just from my past and even recent relationships! Craigs message yesterday really spoke to me! It pinned the tail right on the donkey! For the last 4 or 5 months "A Change at Heart" has been my prayer to God. I want to be forgving and not bitter and jealous. I want commpassion and mercy and understanding. I want a heart like God! Sometimes I look at my own heart and just shutter. It disgusts me how bitter I have become, and more times then not, its been a constant struggle for me, wanting to change but just not knowing how. When yesterday Craig pointed out, all I have to do is just forgive. It seems so simple, we can say "oh I forgive you" all day long... but do we really mean it? Do we really let go, forgive, forget, what they did to us? Most of the time the answer is no for me and I dont even see it.

One of the verses that really stuck out to me yesturday that I didnt even know was in the bible was..

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

Wow. Are you serious?! That was a major wake up call for me. .

Then last night at small groups my lovely friend Lacy lead the group. And she used an orange as an example, passed it around the room, and we all took a piece of the peeling off as we confessed something we were hiding under, whether it be bitterness, or jealousy, or self image, or insecurity, etc. When I took off my pealing, I realized the root of all my emotional issues... I said I'm insecure with who I am and my body, my self image, so I look at other girls and plant a seed of jealousy in my heart, that grows into becomming bitter towards them because I want what they have, and then I develope this totally distorted fake relationship with them because I dislike them but hide it for no freaking reason. Its all just a cycle. Anyways, after everyone took some peeling off then we got to the oranges juicy fruit that you can actually eat. The example meaning.. if we dont let God take off all of our bitterness, jealousy, etc. then we wont be the fruit He intended us to be. If you were to take a bite out of that orange before peeling it you would want to spit it out because it would taste so bitter and gross! Thats how it is with us. We have to stop hiding who we truly are, and let God shine through us so we can be sweet and touch others! Be a light to the world!

So... needless to say I recieved so much encouragement and so much hope! This is going to be an everyday decision I am going to make to choose to forgive, and to love. It excites me to know I'm going to be walking in such peace! I just love Jesus! He's so amazing :)

What the peeling of your orange? What are some things that you're hiding behind? Are you bitter towards people? Is it hard for you to forgive sometimes?

Big Weekend

So this weekend brought me such joy! It was so much fun getting to know all you girls more! I feel more "connected" and "accepted" now :) Even though having all of us in one house for 2 nights was quite eventful, it was a blast!

LAUREL: It was so fun getting to hang out with you again! Its been a while since we've really taken time to be silly with eachother! It was just like old times! We had laughs, giggles, talks and serious moments. I love that we became friends and I hope somewhere in our busy schedules we will find time to keep our relationship alive! You have been such an amazing friend to me! Picking me up when I was at my lowest point back in May and sticking with me all the way untill I finally came to my senses :) Thank you for holding me accountable! you're the best friend ever! love you!!

LORI: I'm sad you didnt get to stay the first night :( but i'm so happy you got to stay the second! This was good for us to get to know and understand each other more :) I want to say how I just love how you always have something encouraging to say. Even when i'm all pissed off (at taylor haha) and you correct me with the right way I should respond or react. Haha, sometimes its not exactly what I want to hear, but always what I need to hear. Thank you for always being honest with me. I cant wait to know you more! :) You just have the sweetest innocent spirit.

love ya girl!

MANDY: So we've really never talked that much before, always hanging out with the same people, but never "us" talking. I think this weekend getting to know you was so cool :) I found out Mandy does have feelings!! haha. I'm really sorry about your car, I now thats super hard on you! And i'm also sorry for giving you my man voice!! ;) I guess we're sick buddies now! But I'm praying we'll both get through this!! Anyways, I hope now that we've have that weekend, that it has opended a door for us to become closer and better friends!! You're so cool mandy! haha love ya

NATALIE: Wow, you are just the sweetest girl ever! I've wanted to hang out and know you more ever since you started coming to XL. I look at you as a role model, you're so respectful and serving. Always there to help, always there to give. You're heart is so sweet, and I know God just looks at you and smiles!! Thank you for taking care of me when I hurt my foot, always looking for ways you could help!! You're the cutest girl ever Natalie! And I really want to start hanging out :) love ya mucho chica!

CAROLINE: You're so funny! and I love how you like Kate Nash! haha! We have something in common yes! Anyways, this weekend was eventful.. even though we didnt really talk that much, I definatly know way more than I did before! I feel like I can be open with you now :) Also, you're just so sweet! I love your bubly random spirit! I dont think I've ever seen you NOT happy!! haha.. Also, thanks for letting me fix your hair! :) i just love doing that! Looking forward to seeing ya again! love you

SIMONE: You made this weekend just a blast! First, I just LOVE LOVE LOVE your accent and choice of words! :) its awesome getting to know someone from another country! And you are just so cute and make me smile all the time! I'm so glad you came with us to big weekend! It makes me sad you only have on more month here though! I hope we get to hang out alot before then! and you have have to come back to visit! its a requirment! haha. Well it was fun girl!! love ya!

YOU ALL ARE SO AMAZING! LOVE YOU!!! :)

A Heart for Missions

For a couple weeks I've been fidiling with the idea of what I want to be when I grow up. What I want to do with my life. Recently the thought of missions has been heavy on my heart. I have such a longing and desire to go and minister and reach out to all those mainly little kids, but also teens and adults all around the world!! Before when I would think about going on another trip I would just brush of the idea and think it was out of the question.. Where would I get the money? When would I have the time? It just wasnt possible. It was yesterday that God really just put it in my heart that I needed to get over all my small problems and issues
and just trust Him, knowing He is bigger than any excuse I have! So today I've been researching. My older brother and sister went to Costa Rica 5 or 6 years ago with Teen Mania. I went to their website and started looking around seeing what trips they were taking this year. The two that really stood out to me were 1) Panama Jungle and 2) Peru. They both are one month long, from June 9th to July 5th. I reallly want to go. Many things have to fall into place, I need to renew my passport, raise the money, etc. But I know if its God's will it'll happen. I just want to ask for your prayers for guidence and assurance. Also please pray for the money to come in. For the Panama trip its $2,543 and the Peru is $2,693. I need half by April 28th. Even if I dont raise enough for this trip I'll put it towards the next one. I know for sure i'm suppose to go SOMEWHERE,
SOMETIME. I'm just not sure where or when yet.

Thanks for your prayers :)

Seeing Life in a New Way

I was driving down the road by myself listening to this Matchbox 20 song, "Lets see how far we've come". It really made me slow down, not be in such a rush and just take a look around at our world today. 100 years ago we had wood houses dirt roads and run down resturants. Look at it now. Lets really see how far we come! And to think, we all just take this for granted. Not thinking twice about it! Now Every big problem doesnt seem so big. Why stress about everything? Why is everything such a big deal? I get so easily frutsrated if everything isnt just perfect! I have this problem with over exaggerating. But after we go to sleep, and wake up the next morning all those little things we magnifined just dissapear, and we have all new issues! Its just a cycle most of us get caught in. But why stay in it? Why not choose to be happy? Make the best of every moment! This has really helped me relax and enjoy everyday life :)
BUT with all this improvement ans inventions America has created comes unhappiness and selfishness! We have soooo much and think we need more? The video below might be a little graphic, but its definatly a wake up call.. look at what the rest of the world is going through when we think we're mistreated when we cant find the pair of shoes we want on sale.. OMG! This just frustrates me. So take 3 min out of your day, watch this video, and think about them and what they're going through vs. ourselfs and our selfish problems.