I'M AN AUNT!!!

WELCOME TO THE WORLD FINN HAMMOND DAWSON!!!!!

You're SO loved!!

This morning at 12:05 am I was woken up by mother telling me Christi's water just broke! My mom, my sister and I all get up to go to the lakeside womens center!

Paul and Christi get there around 12:45 am and by 1 am Finn has arrived! Talk about a fast labor! We got there just in time! and heard the baby crying and saw them measuring and weighing him! He is the most precious site you've ever seen! And has the cutest laugh you've ever heard!

We all waited outside the room and let Paul and Christi have their time. After about an hour they said we could come in and we all got to hold him! He's just perfect! He has a perfect cute little round head and a perfect little body and is just soo adorable! I just wanted to take him home with me! :) He is 8.1 lbs. I dont really know how long he is.. but he's pretty small!

You have NO idea how excited I am to be an aunt! I can hardly wait for life to happen! :)

Welcome to our life Finn!

You Make Me Beautiful Somehow!

Sunday night I'm restless. I now have 2 guinea pigs and a hamster! Man! And I thought just having a gerbil kept me up all night! I sleep with earplugs, but even through the earplugs I could still hear my (sometimes annoying) little cute pets making a ton of noise! By 3 am I wake up and find my cd player under all the clothes and mess in my room :) And for some weird reasons the radio wouldnt work! I would only pick up weird classical stations and all I wanted was soft Christian music!! Well I keep all my cds in my car, so I dig under my bed trying to find my old old cd case of random cds I never listen to anymore. After a couple min of digging I find it and just flip back to what I call my "Girly Christian music" :) it was all the music I listen to when I was like 10! It had Point of Grace, Stacie Orico, Joy Williams, Nichole Nordman, etc. . I remember one of my favorites was Joy Williams. I pull it out and stick it in. Crawl back in bed and fall asleep for the remaining 2 hours I have to sleep :(

Monday morning I wake up bright (well actually it was still dark) and early to go to work! yay! -not really- So after getting ready, I'm grabbing all my stuff for the day and I just decided to grab that Joy Williams cd too. I run to my car and am off for the looong 40 min drive to work! (while still half asleep, ugh)

I put in that cd and instantly memories rushed through my mind! It was such a sweet sensation remembering and listening and singing those songs I once thought were the BEST songs ever written! haha.

Then I remembered track 9 was my favorite! I couldnt even rmember which song it was, I just knew I like that track. So excided like a little kid opening a Christmas gift I switch tracks quickly and listen joyfully! :)

This is track 9.. I want you to read every single lyric! :)

Never been a fashion queen

I wear dresses, I wear jeans

I’ve even been known to wear my heart on my sleeve

I’m just your average kid next door

A plain, simple mystery

I’m a self-proclaimed Daddy’s girl

With my share of idiosyncrasies

But You love me for me

(CHORUS)I’m just fine

I see a smile from Heaven

My Father is proud

I know that I am simply, fearfully and wonderfully

Made in You

You make it beautiful somehow

I’ve got old fashioned sensibilities

I believe chivalry still exists

And I can be a princess

Even when there ain’t no prince

So what if I’m right brained

I’ve got half a mind to disagree

I would rather write the book

Than go and read the movie

So even when I may not rhyme

You always give me reason…

(CHORUS)I’m just fine
I see a smile from Heaven
My Father is proud
I know that I am simply, fearfully and wonderfully
Made in You
You make it beautiful somehow

Got my elbows on the table

My mind up in the clouds

I know I’m getting better

I can almost hear You laugh out loud

The more I trust in You

The more I find

What You create is no mistake

It’s purpose by design

(CHORUS)I’m just fine

I see a smile from Heaven

My Father is proud

I know that I am simply, fearfully and wonderfully

Made in You

You make it beautiful somehow

After the first 10 seconds I'm already bawling! So many times I forget that God sees me as beautiful! So many times I'm sooo critical on myself, either I'm not patient enough, or too bitter, or too selfish, or not Godly enough, etc. I'm always finding and pointing out ever bad thing about me!! I sometimes define who I am with all the mistakes I make! Always finding the bad, not the good. This mindset and way of thinking just destroys me! It only takes a few days of thinking that way before I'm an emotional wreck, and discouraged, and depressed etc. .

This song opened up a whole new meaning to me! I realized that I am Gods daughter, His princess! HE makes me beautiful somehow!!

Through the tears I found peace and joy. I'm so glad that God is not like ANY other person on earth and will NEVER fail me, NEVER give up on me, NEVER let me down and will ALWAYS love me, ALWAYS think I'm beautiful, and ALWAYS call me His princess! :)

To hear the song, go to my myspace.com at http://www.myspace.com/uniquely_created_by_him

The Meaning of Prayer

How many times a day do people tell us whats going on in their life and our response is, "Oh I'll be praying for you!"?

Cause I know I do that ALL the time! I'm constantly telling people I'll be praying for them just out of curtesy but then 10 min later totally forget I even said that! This is something God has really been convicting me about! When someone says they're going to pray for me, I want them to really do it! But I cant remember the last time I constantly all week prayed for the people I said I would.

So, I now I'm trying something new, and would encourage you to do the same :)
Now if I say that, I mean it. I keep either a sticky note or a little notebook in my purse. And everytime I tell someone I'll pray for them, I write down their name, and what it is I'm praying for. Then throughout the day or week I'll pull out that note and just pray for them, even if its just for 5 min here and there. . .

~~~

Last night megan and I were doing a coin drive for my mission trip again :) its always an adventure to see peoples reaction, whether pleasent or rude. And when we came to one door last night an elderly lady came. She was wearing what looked to be a nightgown, and her hair was messy. She didnt have any teeth and you could tell she was in pain. It just broke my heart first seeing her. . I then told her what we were doing and she was just so sweet! She explained how right now she's completely broke, but she's believing God that alot of money is coming in soon! Also she told us how she's giving to an orphanage and just LOVES to give to missions! Her heart was so sweet! She gave me a card with her name and number on it, telling me to come back and she'll write me a check for my trip, when that money comes in.

Well you could tell she was such a selfless person! You could tell she was not very prosperious at all, yet more willing to give than any other person we spoke to!! I told her I would pray for her. And thank God for my reminding sticky note! :)

But she has been on my mind ever since! Just her smile, and her generous loving heart!

It the people like Anne Wilson who remind me that their are just adorable selfless people out there haha. :)

God Bless her!

On a sidenote, I would encourage you all to do the same! Do you ever say that and then forget? Or am I the only one? haha.

love you guys.

Skate Dallas!

Skate Dallas .. Not so great

I was super nervous .. Not so great

I fell on my salchow .. Not so great

I got fourth place .. Not so great

The car ride on the way home .. priceless!

I had a figure skating competition in Dallas yesterday. My family and I drove down there Friday night and stayed with the people that lead my parents to Christ! It was so good finally meeting them! :)

Then Saturday we left their house and headed for Carolten, (where we use to live) and visited our neighbors! It was just like old times! I just love them!

Then we checked into the skating rink in Grapevine Mills mall, It was crowed and crazy!! I've never seen so many figure skaters all in place at one time!! It really got me nervous!

Fudruckers was just accross the street so we met some old friends there and had lunch! Hadnt seen them in a while! They're great Christian friends and it was good visiting with them again!

We stayed Saturday night at Taylor's mom's house. I'm glad I finally got to see her house and my family got to meet them! Everything there turned out great! Sunday morning and and taylor got up and watched Life Church online! :) I had never done that before! 213 people tuned in and 26 of them got saved!

Then it was time to get ready and go to the skating rink. I was already so nervous I wanted to puke! When I got there, there were a little less people but still alot! My practice went ok but I was feeling a little unstable and my feet were numb! It was my turn to get on the ice. I'm stressed, and nervous. My salchow is my first jump I do, and the jump that I've been able to land for like 6 months! Its not hard for me at all. But for some reason I fall. I get up with a smile and go on doing the rest. On the next 3 elements were the ones I had been strugling a little bit with; my waltz-toe loop combo, my scratch spin, and my back spin. But all of those I did perfect! I was a little confused as to why I fell on the easiest thing for me and did so well on my hardest things. .

Well dissapointed and frustrated I got off the ice and waited for the results. I got 4th. I was really upset. I've only competeted 2 other times and got first! This is my first time to screw up! But I guess its not worth winning if you dont have to fight for it. . There will always be another competition.

The ride home is about 3 1/2 hours. I was still frustrated and me and taylor we fighting. After talking with my parents they agreed to letting me ride in the car with him on the way home! :) (we drove right in front of them, haha)

For about the first 15 min we just listened to music and I wouldnt really talk and was just being subburn! (I can have a big attitude sometimes!) But after thinking about it I knew it was stupid and we werent getting anything accomplised! So I turned off the music, and just said, lets talk!

We had the BEST conversations! Those 3 1/2 hours flew right by! Everything we were arguing about was resolved in about 10 or 15 min of talking about it, then we just enjoyed our company the rest of the way! We talked about the weekend, and about the parts that were tempting, and about what we need to change so we wont temp each other so much. We also discussed our future, getting just information about what the other is thinking, or how they feel about things and just finding a common ground.

Everything just seemed so out in the open! And I finally felt 100% comfortable and myself. I could burp in front of him! We talked about picking our nose! We talked about farting! I let him look, and even touch my feet! I stuck out my tongue with all the chewed up donut on it! haha. It was such an amazing thing just to be so open with the one you love! - oh and that was another thing we talked about...

He almost brought me to tears.. telling me just how much he really loved me, and why he loved me and what he loved about me!! It was compliment after compliment! I just wanted to record it! I wanted to freeze time and soak it all in! He's such an amazing guy! I cant appreciate him enough! It breaks my heart how sometimes I get so cought up in what he might've done wrong, and then just look past ALL the priceless things he does right for me! I almost think he spoils me too much ;) but I'm lovin it!!

Anyway, I would never in a million years trade that car ride for anything in the world! We laughed so much!! He makes me so happy! We're such alike in some ways, we're just goofy and there to have fun! Its crazy how much you can show a person how you love them, without even kissing!

Garage Sale!

Hey guys :)


So for those of you who dont know..


I'M GOING TO COSTA RICA IN JULY!!!





Yay! I'm so excited! I'm going July 21 to Aug 4th with Teen Mania, which is through Global Expeditions and Ron Luce etc.


The trip is $2079 and I only have $400 right now..





I'm having a garage sale May 16th, 17th, and 18th, at Shannas. If you have anything laying around the house that you would like to donate that would be amazing!! You can either set up a time to meet me and I can get it. Or if you could just drop it by Shanna's if you know where she lives.





I'm so excited about this trip! (also a little scared) But I know God is calling me to go, and I know God will protect me! I know God will provide for me!





I just ask for your prayers!





Thank you so much!





(if you want to know more about the people I'm going with go to http://www.globalexpeditions.com/)





If you need to get ahold of me about donations for the garage sale, call 623-0520.





THANKS!





:)

MY STORY- PART 14 REDEMPTION

This is the last one for my story!!!

Over the months of healing I really started building a relationship with my family again. Me and my mom would acutally have conversations and not fight! We would go shopping and just enjoy each other! We became great friends. I finally got the relationship I had wanted all these years, just to have fun together and understand each other and trust each other!

After many weeks of praying I felt it was time to move back in! I told my family Dec 13th that I would move in on New Years! To start the New Year off right! :) and I did. It has been amazing the understanding we have for each other now! We respect ones thoughts, feelings and opinions! And come to think of it, we have really "fought" since I've been home!

The one thing I would change is time. There is only so much time in a day that I have to balance between God, family, work, school, figure skatin, dance, Taylor, Crawfords, all my girl friends etc. I wish I had all the time in the world to be with my amazing family and show them how much i really do love them! I'm not home enough at all and that is one thing I am trying to work on!

Well even though everything else is just going AMAZING! (ONLY because of Jesus my savior!) I still do struggle, I still have temptations, and hard times. But thank God for forgiviness! Everytime I fail, instead of just keep doing that, I just stand back up and run towards God. I do still go through dry seasons and wilderness tests, wondering if God still loves me! But its just silly when to think that when you actually step back and look at what ALL he has saved me from!!!

I hope you've enjoyed reading this! If you have any question please dont hesitate to talk to me. Love you guys so much!

ps. I give ALL the Glory to JESUS CHRIST! HE is the one who saved me! HE is the one who healed me! HE is the one who helps me through every day!!

~ Wendy

PROM 2008!!

Hey, so I'm taking another pause from my story, although I'm almost done! :)



Saturday night, April 12th, 2008 was my first and last Prom!! It was AMAZING!



Deleise took our pictures! :) (thanks Deleise!)



There are soo many great ones! but I chose a couple of my favorite to post! There are more on my myspace!



About the Dance: It was amazing! I spent thewhole day primping; getting a tan, and my nails done, and my hair done etc. He showed up in a Dodger Charger (the coolest car ever!) and took lots of pictures then went to eat at OPUS! It was supppperrr good!! And the restaurant was realllyy nice! Then we went to the dance which was at Will Rogers Theater. Let me tell ya, we had the best time! We danced our hearts out, but in a healthy manor. At times it was really tempting to do what everyone else was doing and dirty dance. But instead we would just salsa or rumba or tango etc. it was a blast! its amazing how he respects me soooo much! :)

He's amazing we've been together for a little over 8 months and its been the BEST 8 months ever! we havent even kissed! and decided to save that for marriage! and we've never yelled at each other. every time we argue we just talk it out.He treats me like a princess! i've NEVER EVER EVER had someome have so much respect for me!!!! its like i'm living out a fairytale ♥

MY STORY PART 13- PEACE LOVE AND HAPPINESS

Taylor was a gift God sent to me. He became my best friend and help keep me accountable. We knew each other for barely 3 weeks but I already had felt so comfortable with him. I couldnt help but start liking him! Whats NOT to like??



Well August 10th was the day I was getting to the point that I had had enough. I thought (from other people telling me) that he wasnt so serious about "us". That he didnt like me the way I had liked him. That I was just tricking myself and that I just needed to get out before I got hurt.. I was upset and about to tell him that I didnt even want to talk to him again! I jumped to soo many conclusions and just figured that he was just sucking me in to use me just like what I had always known..



So on August 10th, 2007 Taylor calls me and wants to know if he can stop by for like 10 min. Within 15 or 20 min he's at my (shannas) front door step and I let him in.. I could sense something was different today, I didnt know if it was good or bad. But it was just a little awkward. So he made up a silly excuse to get me outside to talk to him, he said he wanted me to go see all his new books he just picked up for school! haha.. so I walked out front with him.



He turned around and we started talking. Talking about how fast we jumped into this relationship and quickly became friends! But then, instead of saying he didnt want to talk anymore... He asked me to be his girlfriend! I was shocked! Excited! Breathless! Undescribable!



Was this not the same guy I thought God would NEVER allow me to date because he was so perfect? The one I thought would NEVER want to date ME?? Wow, was I wrong!



That night we ended up hanging out with Laurel and all of our friends (about 10 of us) stayed out and went TP-ing, to IHOP, to Laurels.. and just all over town! It was so much fun.. and I'm really glad we got this time together because this was the night we decided we werent going to kiss till marriage.



This was almost a struggle saying this, but I knew it was best, and what I truly wanted in the long run! I had had a taste of everything else and knew exactly what I didnt have, and what I wanted more than anything "Purity!"



Even though so many look at us and think we're crazy extremest for not even kissing, it puts so much more meaning into our relationship. We strive to show each other in other ways how we feel. It makes it so much more deeper and meaningful. Taylor has so much respect for me that it never ceases to amaze me!! Even I have been tempted and tried to just give up and kiss him before, but he's always the strong one, the one that keeps me accountable and keeps this relationship healthy! He is such a Godly leader!



You know, theres a difference between a "Christian" boyfriend and a "Godly" boyfriend! He is by far the Godly one! Always keeping God first and praying with me and helping me!!



Yesterday was our 8 month anniversary!! And I am SO proud to say that NOT one time have we let our lips touch or let our hand wander where they shouldn't! God is so good! He gave me EXACTLY what I needed!



Sometimes I'm thankful for the times all the guys took advantage of me, cause if I never had a bad boyfriend,
I wouldnt know what a good one feels like!






Next post will be about picking up the leftover garbage in my life, and moving back in with my parents!! yay!

MY STORY PART 12- DECISIONS

I gave Shanna and Jerome permission to keep me accountable, with this came many rules and boundaries. I could only hang out with people if I was with on of my amazing friends, Laurel. And I couldnt be on the phone past 11. And I fasted the phone and computer 2 days a week. etc. At times, this would become frustrating. . I was so use to using myspace or other guys to just escape the world when I was hurt.. by them stripping those things away from me it just left me broken, but drew me to God.

I developed healthy relationships and going to church for the right reasons. Me and my mom and my family were even getting closer and fighting less. This was such a major transition for me, but I saw the light on the other side, and knew as I was crossing the bridge it would be hard, but when I make it to the other side it'll be well worth it!

At this point, I was getting so close to God, and building a relationship I had never had before, that for once in my life I honestly felt like I didnt need a guy to complete me! I enjoyed just spending time with God, and my new friends that were GIRLS! and shanna and my family etc! I felt complete!! more complete than any other guy could ever make me feel! This was so reassuring to me, and helped me fight for purity and Godliness!

Barely a month went by before I met the man of my dreams! It was a friday night the end of July... I'm pretty sure the 20th. . anyways, Laurel and the girls, and some other guys were having a movie night at Laurel's house! I had noticed this guy name Taylor previously at church, and spoke a little to him last wednesday night, but never really talked to him..

It was getting to the end of the night, and we had been on opposite sides of the room basically the whole night. People started leaving and it came down to just 4 or 5 left. We all went outside in the driveway and started talking. Laurels friend that lived across the street was out so we walked over there. I didnt really know any of them left, and was bored and tired so grabbed a blanket and started to fall asleep on the driveway. . After dozing off a few times I finally got and sat on the back of mikes pickup. Taylor sat down beside me and we began talking.

We talked untill I think almost 3 am! It was crazy. I had never met someone that had intrigued me so much! We exchanged numbers and agreed to keep in touch. . the very next night we hung out again! Went to a little coffee shop and talked for hours again. I could see how much devotion and passion and respect he had! I admired him. and held on to every word he spoke.

But of course satan was whispering in my ear.. how could such a Godly man EVER want to date a girl whose already done it all? already screwed up her life and thrown it in the dumpster? Of course he wouldnt want me! He wants a perfect Jesus lover that has never even looked at a guy! (well thats what I was thinking anyway)

We began talking almost everyday and hanging out alot. This was such a struggle for me just to trust God that I wasnt going to get heart broken! I didnt want to get too attached since I knew he deserved better and that it would never work out...


Next post will be about how our relationship came to be :)

MY STORY PART 11- THE CHANGE

So I returned back to Shannas, still not opening up. I had such a sexual desire to be accepted. For a while I thought that it was weird I felt this way, normally guys are sexually driven, and I felt like I was just the odd ball cause girls weren't suppose to have that want.

Anyways, I told Dean about everything that had happend in NC and he didnt handle it well, he exploded on me which made me feel me want to escape from everything that was happening. I thought physical desires would fill that void.

Shanna and Jerome have date night every thursday night (which is an amazing idea!) :)
But because I hadnt opened up to them, they didnt know my struggles or my past or really why I even moved out! They didnt really know I was weak. I didnt really have anywhere to go when they went on their date night, so I decided to just stay at their house alone, it would only be a couple of hours...

Well satan knew exactly what to do, it wasnt 10 min after they left when Ben(a guy from DC) texted and asked what was up. I told him I was home alone bored. He then replied he was just at 7/11 getting gas at Danforth and Santa fe. (well shanna and jerome live at that intersection!)
It was completely perfect, statan had set us up.

So, being the needy self I WAS I then invited him over. . We went to my room and one thing led to another.. Jerome had left something and came back to the house. We were caught! This was one of the most embarrassing, humilitating, convicting, shamed, and emotional nights I had had in a looong time! I broke into tears and started packing, believing I would just move out, cause there was NO WAY they would forgive me! (I was so silly)

Jerome told me they wouldnt have me move out and I just needed to go talk to him and shanna. this was the night June 28th, 2007 I truly surrendered my life to God! Me and Shanna stayed up to the wee hours in the morning talking and crying and sharing and laughing. Those were such sweet and cherished moments! It was that night that I saw I had accountability, I had hope, I had people who loved me, I had Jesus by my side!

I cant even explain the change I felt just in that one night! I went from one person to some one TOTALLY different! Just like 2nd Corinthian 5:17 He makes ALL things new! I've never felt so loved and accepted by my daddy up in heaven! For once in my life I actually had a geniune PASSION to know him! A PASSION to live my life for him! I surrenderred everything thing! There was NO WAY I would ever go back to the way I was!

Next will talk about the changes I made in my life :)
yay! finally to the good part! thanks for reading!

--oh and i'm sorry if I was blunt and scared you guys away in my last post :( I was just being honest--

MY STORY PART TEN- SUMMER OF 2007

I loved getting to know Shanna and the family! I didnt have a job yet so I was there almost 100% of the time, because I hadnt met very many good friends yet either. These days were spent, talking and laughing, crying and mourning, sweeping and cleaning, and playing with the boys. It was quite fun, they completely accepted me in and treated me like their daughter! They changed their playroom into my room and were just so giving and loving. I really liked how Godly and accepting this family was!

I would LOVE to say I was perfect from here out, but I still went through soo many issues, and had so many problems to take care of! When I moved out of Nates and into Shannas, Dean threw a fit! He wanted me to stay next door to him. We started fighting alot. I talked about him some to Shanna and Jerome and they would talk to me about how its not the best idea for me to be dating him. This was such a hard decision! But after praying alot and having their encouragment, I broke up with him June 3rd, 2007. He was not happy!

This was ALOT of pain I had to deal with! He would call me a b*tch and and other names and was very harsh verbally. I took all these things personally, just like I always do and felt alot of rejection. This is where I fell into a depression. I was torn and didnt know which way to run. the Crawfords in one hear telling me theres such a better life out there for me! And that God wants to help me! And Dean was in another ear begging for me to run back away, we could even go out of state! and no one would ever find us!

Well then June 15th-24th, 2007 I took a vacation to NC with my family! I was so excited about this trip! Nothing more fun than 10 days single on the beach! We stayed in a condo right on the beach. . The first few days it was innocent fun! I loved the waves, the shopping, the family dinners! In the begginning I was so enjoying getting to be with my family again! I didnt realize how much I missed them!

But then, mid-week, I started getting bored and noticing guys, and noticing that guys were noticing me! I was such a flirt! A group of older, (prob in their 20s) called me over and started talking to me, they invited me to a party that night across the street! I told my sister I was going, and she refused to let her little sis go all by herself! So we went up to my mom asked if we could go, but lied and said we were going put put! anyways, so we went, it was a little lame, but ok. I ended up sleeping with the guy I had met on the beach that morning.

The last day, I ran into him again on the beach, we agreed about meeting on the beach that night at midnight. It was the last night, so I wanted to do something crazy! Anyways, I snuck out and went down on the beach. (pause, so being on the beach, at midnight, full moon, waves crashing, all alone, with little crabs running around is the most gorgeous site i've ever seen!)
anyway! so I was waiting and waiting, and he wasnt coming, I was all alone, in the dark looking into the abbyss of the ocean! I saw two guys walking towards me! I couldnt make out who they were but it looked kinda like him, So I screamed "zack?" and they came up and I saw it wasnt him. But they started talking and flirting with me. For a while we just laid there and talked. . but then they convinced me to follow them.

We walked about a half mile to his jeep and met some of their other friends. We all piled in his jeep and decided to go hotel hopping looking for hotubs! None of us were wearing swimsuits though, so this was my first experience of skinny dipping! When we were at some hotel in some random hot tub, this is where I had sex with those two guys I didnt even know their name! While that was happening one of their friends came up and asked me if I would sleep with him too. The hotel manager guy came out though and called the plolice, we escaped. But me and the two guys friend. . I dont know his name either went down on the beach where no one was and I had sex with him! This was probably the sluttiest nights of my life!

Well the sun started to rise, I was scared, and didnt have a clue where I was! This last guy was from Virginia and said he would support me if I came and lived with him! I seriously considered it, went to his car, they were leaving that morning, and no one would ever find me in Virginia! It was tempting. . but I decided I just couldnt do that to my family! So around 5 am, I was some miles away from my condo, the sun was rising, and I had NO clothes(from skinny dipping, the other guys stole them)! The guy gave me his Tshirt, and it was really big so it covered me. barefoot I ran, I dont know how far, and I dont know how long. I remember crying and screaming! I felt so guilty for what I had just done! This was the first time I had really prayed and begged to God in true repentance in a LONG time! I almost felt refreshed..

I still to this day have no idea how I made it back to the condo! It was only by God-given strength. . I was weak and tired but still ran mile after mile, lost, trying to find my way. There were other people by this time, and they must have that I was one CRAZY lady! Running, with only a t shirt on, crying uncontainably and screaming for desperation! I kinda look back at this time and laugh, I must have looked soo silly to everyone else! haha.

Well I made it back and crawled in bed, everyone still asleep, and no one knew.

Now, explaining why I did the things I did... This was my way of dealing with the rejection Dean gave me and I broke up with him. I wanted to still feel like guys liked me, I wanted to know I wasnt worthless. All that this did was make things worse! Instead of healing, it brought more pain! more distortion! more that I just had to deal with. I felt so guilty.

Next post will be about when I got back to Oklahoma and how I dealt with everything that had happend.

MY STORY PART NINE- 10TH GRADE (PART THREE)

Dean was my best friend, and because I felt like I NEEDED a guy, I turned to him and jumped into another relationship. He was not a Christian but I thought I could change him. Little did I know. My parents didnt like him, he wasnt really the best guy, but he accepted me and showed me love, and thats all I was looking for.
I was making wrong decisions again and my parents had a talk with me, they said either they would support me, and I had to obey all their rules, or I could make my decisions and support myself. Of course I chose the second choice, and since I believed I was indpendent now I made moving aragments with Dean and his friend and moved out May 17th, 2007.


Leaving was one of the hardest things; saying goodbye to my younger brothers who were crying in the driveway. It still breaks my heart today knowing how much pain I caused my whole family! Anyway, Lance (Dean's friend) picked me up and all my stuff, and he took me to another one of Dean's friend's house. There were two guys living there, who were 20 and 23, Nate and Brian. They both smoked pot and were kinda crazy, but chill and cool. When I had moved in it was the first night I had even met them! It was 12am. . and was such a weird feeling moving in with two strangers. . So as soon as I got all my stuff moved in, we went to walmart to get some food and groceries (college-age-pot-head-guys didnt believe in eating)(or cleaning) lol. After we came back it was around 3 am, I picked up the kitchen a little cause it was really dirty. Since I didnt have money to pay them rent, my part way of paying them was by cleaning their house, cause they were guys, and they were slobs!

I didnt go to sleep at all that night. Just lying on the couch, watching the goldfish, praying to God, and thinking about my family, I was in shock of what I had just done. Did I really just leave the people who love me most? for the ones who barely even care about me? So much pain and regret swallowed me. I coudn't cry, couldnt show emotions. I was numb.

The next morning May 18th, 2007, Nate and Brian both had to work. I didnt have a house key yet, so when I left, I was basically locked out till 6pm. Restless and annoyed, I got up and got ready.. I didnt know exactly where to go or what to do. Dean was at school. and I knew no one else at that side of town. (Britton, MacArthur and NW Expressway).. All I knew was I had a longing for attention, and a void to fill, so I wanted guys to hit on me, so I basically put on the sluttiest clothes I owned.

Around 10 am, I started walking around town. I wasnt very familiar with this part of town so I was just aimlessly walking around, enjoying all the guys who would honk at me as they drive by. Eventually I found a strip mall and went store to store collecting job applications. Then I remembered Reggie (my first real boyfriend) lived in that part of town, So I called him and he came and picked me up. We went out for ice cream at Braums, and talked a while. Then he drove me to hefner lake where we walked around and and talked more. He then had to leave so I found a bench and layed down and fell asleep, even though this was probably not the safest thing to do, I was exausted.

I think I slept for about an hour and then my phone rings. . Its a number I dont recognize, so I answer.. My mom sounds frightnend and breathless, she was calling from a payphone just so I would answer, she tells me that she needs to know where I am or she'll call the police, I was only 15 and legally couldnt be moved out, also she said she already talked to Shanna about me moving in and I could.

I told her where I was, a little happy to see my family again, yet scared of how life was going to play out. But I no longer cared. Then all the sudden something hit me, and I got this surge of anger! I didnt want to go back! I had already ran away! I could hide! and they would never find me! I rebelled and called Nate to come pick me up so my parents wouldnt find me.. he did and I turned my phone off so my parents couldnt call. We went to City Bites and just sat down. I wasnt sure what I was really doing. We then decided to drive back to the house, Nate lived 3 houses down from Dean and my parents knew where Dean lived. So when my parents saw I wasnt where I told them, they went to Dean's house.

When Nate and I pulled in the neighborhood I saw my parents car and freaked!! I never would've thought they could find me! So I ducked down and told Nate to drive off. He took me to a gas station where I turned on my phone and called my parents. I lied and said sorry, my phone went dead. They came and picked me up.

I got in the car and didnt know how to react, how to feel, what to say. It was so akward. I knew I had just betrayed my family, so why are they picking me up? why do they still love me? I didnt understand. . .

I had only met Shanna twice, at her girls bible study, and I had never really met Jerome, or the boys. Moving in was hard, cause I felt like I was butting into their life. By the time I got there it was around 6pm and I was extremely sunburned and tired! No sleep+walking around for 8 hours+the sun=exausted!

All of my things were still at Nates house so Shanna gave me some clothes and shower stuff and make up and I went to freshen up. We went to a girls night sleepover thing that night. It was good cause it kinda got my mind off things. I actually felt semi-normal again. . but still in a shell, scared, and a little confused. .

sorry this post was so long! I promise we're getting close to done of all of 10th grade!! Next post is more about my experience of living with the Crawfords! love you Shanna! :)
Thanks for reading everyone!

MY STORY PART EIGHT- 10TH GRADE (PART TWO)

I was doing well, and started dating this one guy from Deer Creek. He was actually a good guy, kinda boring, but he didnt use me, didnt take advantage of me, or anything, it was actually a semi healthy relationship, only problem, he wasnt really a Christian.

I went to a Youth America confrence over fall break at Church of the Harvest. This was such a fun expeirience! I finally met good Christian friends! I reconnected with God and was doing good spiritually again. I realized that the guy I was dating was distracting me from God and I felt like when I got home I needed to call and break up with him. . well. . Satan didnt like this idea. .


After the conference was over and I was standing out in the front area looking at T-shirts, this older guy, Brandon, started talking to me about this small Bible College he was attending. He said he wanted to send me flyers and information about it and asked for my name number and address. I actually bought into it and gave it to him. 2 days later he calls me and just starts talking to me, we had about a 20 min conversation and then get off. Afterwards, I felt a little weird. Wasnt sure if this was right or wrong? Did God have me break up with that other guy for God? or for Brandon?


Brandon was 21 and I was only 15. He was in a Bible college where he made the committment not to date till June 07, and it was only October 06. He kept calling me though and we were talking more and more. He admitted he liked me but couldnt officially use the name "girlfriend" with me because of his committment. I had no trust with my parents, so I was not allowed to go out on dates, so I would have him over to the house alot. Everytime my parents would comment about the age difference, I would throw at them how they are 6 years apart. By dating an older guy it made me feel more mature, or older myself. The one thing that I would find strange was EVERY time he would come over he would bring soo many gifts for me! It was almost overwhelming! He was becomming just obbessed with me. Teddy bears, after chocolates, after flowers, after candy, after clothes, or hats. He bought me anything and everything! He even bought me a white gold ring, with a diamond. And a $120 figure skating dress! When I say he was obbessed, I mean it. This almost scared me.. and it may sound weird, but I was getting sick of him bringing me so much stuff! I felt like he was trying to buy my love.


Well the people at his college found out about me and he got kicked out. This upset me and made me question if I was doing the right thing or not. In the begginning of the relationship we agreed that we werent going to kiss, a few weeks later we agreed we were going to do nothing more than kiss, and then we just agreed we wouldnt have sex. He was starting to pressure me into things. On the phone he would ask me weird questions and would want me to have phone sex with him. I had never done this before and this made me soo uncomfortable. It became and everyday routine though, he would call, and I could tell in his voice just exactly what he wanted. This was our main cause of fighting; After we would have phone sex, he would apologize and pray, and then say it was my fault for tempting him so much. I didnt understand! I was the one that didnt want to do it! Most of the time I would just pretend. Then, he started asking me to take pictures for him. This wasnt too strange, back in 8th grade I started taking pornic pictures for guys who asked.


But I started seeing his main drive and desire for me though. I realized his focus had shifted and sex was all he wanted. When I was with him, he would alway ask me to go to the bathroom and take off my underwear to give to him. Everything he asked of me I found perverted and disgusting! I felt like I was a slave again. I didnt like it. I wanted out!


Feb 23, 2007, I said we needed to go on a fast from each other. I needed a break and a time to rethink things. Over these three days I prayed and fasted. I knew that Brandon was bad news and that I needed out. On Feb 26th, 2007, I called him and told him the news, that I had had enough, and we were through. He begged me to sneak out that night just to talk to him, that he wanted to kiss me one last time and that was all! Being the naive self I was, I agreed. He picked me up and we drove down a dirt road and parked, I brought this book that I had been reading, exlpaining sexual purity and courting etc; the main reason why I broke up with him. I went into his car that night, expecting to have good conversation with him, explaining my new revelation! I was almost excited. Well, as soon as we stopped he looked at me, he had this look in his eye that I had never seen before! It scared me to death! Brandon no longer had brandon's eyes, but the eyes of someone whom I didnt even know! They were cold and possessed, and he looked like he was about to prey. He asked me for that one kiss, I agreed and kissed him. He told me not to stop, I got off and reminded him of what his promise was, only one kiss, nothing more. . He told me to get in the back seat, I glanced back and saw a gun. (later i found out it was only an airsoft gun, but in the dark i really couldnt tell) This frightended me and I got back there. I then saw a walmart sack that had flavored lotion, condems, etc. Then I realized I had been set up all along! Why did this keep happening to me? Why me? I was in shock and couldnt do anything about it. I couldnt scream, couldnt move, couldnt fight. This Brandon that was controlling me was not the Brandon I thought I knew. Had it been a lie the whole time? Who was this guy? Then all the sudden I got a surge of energy, of anger. I screamed and fought and grabbed my clothes and opended the car door and just started running. I didnt care if I was butt naked, all I cared about was getting away. I have never run that fast in my life, he chased me with his car, but I went into the woods so he couldnt get me. Then when I had lost him, I went back into my room, got dressed and got in bed. I didnt go to sleep that night, I was still in shock, of what had just happend.

Phone call after phone call from Brandon, I finally answered. My tone was mean and cold. He said that he was stupid and he was sorry. I didnt know what to believe. So I just blocked him out of my life. I felt guilty for putting myself in that situation. It was my fault right? I felt like I had broken my vow with God, about not having sex untill marriage. God could NEVER forgive me now. I was a horrible sinner, and I just had to accept that. I had had enough. Every time that I tried to get better and act more responsibly, something even worse would happen! It was a cycle in my life, that I just had to get use to. I felt as if things would NEVER change. .

Sorry 10th grade is so long!! next post will be part 3 of 10th grade. love you guys! Thank you for reading and I hope this doesnt upset you, but make you happy to know that even though satan will try to throw sooo many things against us with God, we are strong enough to endure them and get past them! I hope you see I'm giving God ALL the glory! He has changed me, loved me, and molded me into someone completely different! In His eyes I am now a princess, and you are too! (or prince) :)

MY STORY PART SEVEN- 10TH GRADE(PART ONE)

So as I began to write out this year, it became longer than I imagined! I will probably divide up into 3 different postings, just so I dont overwhelm you. Thank you for reading!

Just a reminder, at this point I was still drinking, smoking, sneaking out etc. I was also still being homeschooled, although not really doing my school. Well, this too was a very eventful year!

Lets start with September 3rd, 2006, I went to one of my friends 16th birthday party. Her older brother is about 4 years older than me, and always found me attractive. Because I hadnt had much guy attention since I left DCHS I just clung to him all night, we ended up going farther then we should have and again I felt dirty. Me and my friends decided to peirce my belly button that night, it was sooo painfull and stressful that I smoked a pack and a half, which was more than I had ever smoked in one night before! That was the night that I decided that I was really getting addicted, which was something I never wanted to do. So that was the last night I touched a ciggarette.


I really dont like talking about what happend on September 11th, 2006, this was one of the worste nights, and only 2 or 3 people know about it. It makes me feel ashamed, weak, humiliated, frustrated, and soo many other feelings I cant even describe. Please dont judge me for what happend... I went to go hang out with one of my college friends who was a good Christian girl and I just love her to death! Lets call her Sally.. I was suppose to go out to eat and then spend the night with Sally this night. While we were eating this other girl, we'll call Jamie, called and wanted to hang out. I had known Jamie for almost 6 years and was a pretty good friend. She was 18 and half black, quite strong and tom boy-ish. She had anger problems, and would get into fights alot. We were kinda friends but always had a weird feeling about her. . Sally agreed and Jamie met us at Red Robin. We ate and laughed and everything was going great. The family Jamie was staying with was out of town, so no one was home, so we agreed to go over there to watch a movie and stay the night there. We started watching Benchwarmers and Sally soon fell asleep. Jamie scooted over closer and layed right next to me. This made me a little uncomfortable, but I was ok. After the movie was over Jamie was still wide awake and asked me to talk a walk with her. It was almost 1 am and we went walking around the neighborhood. I then could sense something was up. . Because of her age and anger this scared me. I was being so fake and pretending to have fun though, skipping and laughing around the block. . . But then, she suggested something that just made me feel so akward. She dared me to strip down my clothes and go streaking through the neighborhood. I immediatly told her no! I wouldnt do such a thing! But she started to get frustrated with me, so embarressed and afraid I did it. I then gathered my clothes and ran back to the house. She stopped me and pulled me back to her room. . She wouldnt turn on the lights and locked the door. I was scared, I felt like this was a dream, I was trapped in a room with some physco friend of mine that has anger problems and controlling issues and I wasnt sure what was going to happen next. Jamie then addmitted to me that she has always been a lesbian and has liked me, that this was her dream to get me alone. Oh gosh, I was gonna pee my pants. This was not at all what I wanted to hear from her. . Next is the most embarrassing and humiliating thing! I dont know why I attract all these sexual preditors but I do. And being raped by a GIRL only made it worse!! I felt sooo disgusting, and ashamed. How do you even describe that? being raped by a girl? Its just SO embarrasing!! I cringe at every thought of it. Well I told ONE person, who told my youth pastor who confronted my parents. We went and filed a police report, because she was 18. Still untill now, those were the only people I've really shared this with. This was one of the hardest things to get over just in my self esteem. It was that night that I had had enough.

I made 3 vows to God and wrote them down.. 1) I would never smoke again. 2.) I would never have sex again till I was married. 3.) I would never drink again untill I was either 21, or got married, whichever comes first. I started to change and give my life back over to God. This was a big break down that I really didnt know how to handle, so I went to the only person I knew still loved me! My Daddy up in heaven!

MY STORY PART SIX- 9TH GRADE (2ND HALF)

I kept going to school, believing the lie, this is just the way it is. I was practically Houston's slave, I would sneak off at lunch for him, I would sneak out at night for him, and just what he said goes. Back then, I would've never admitted that he was controlling or manipulative, but now I see it so clearly.

Not even a month passes by before my parents find out. A friend that found out, told their parents, who called my mom. I was frustrated and scared. I didnt know what to do or what to say. My parents of course were extremely upset. November 3rd, 2005 was my last day in a public school. Because of my crazy behaviour, my parents said it was the public school that was presuring and influencing me. More than anything this made me mad. That was the one place I could go and pretend to have friends, kinda feel popular, and get my social high. Now that I was home I felt trapped.

I continued to see Houston. At night, on the phone, and on occasion my parents would let him come over. There are alot of mixed emotions here, it was kinda a bittersweet relationship now. I didnt like how controlled I was or how used he would make me feel, but because he was my first, then I just had this sense of attachment. For some reason, I felt like the person I lost my virginity with was the person I had to marry. I tried with everything in me to make it work. But time after time, we would scream at each other and brake up and then get back together. He would make me feel stupid and push down my self esteem. There was alot of internal damage in this relationship. But I just kept holding on.

Finally in the spring we broke up. I really wasnt sure what to think here. I actually dont remember much of the rest of this year. I do remember I was VERY rebellious, I fought with everything I could find to fight about.

Sorry if this was a short and boring post, The next will be 10th grade.. alot more interesting!

MY STORY PART FIVE- 9TH GRADE(first half)

So lets start with the summer between 8th and 9th grade. I went to a Todd Bentley confrence in July. This really opended up my eyes and I knew I wanted to change and I found hope! After the confrence I found him in the hall. He has a ministry called Fresh Fire. They were going on a mission trip to Uganda end of August and had one spot left. The deadline was already passed a long time ago but he said he would leave that one spot open for me if my parents said yes and I raised the money. So, I was extremely excited and ready to change! To started praying more and reading my bible, trying to make better decisions in just everyday life. A little over a month I found myself on a plane flying over Belguim on my way to Uganda, Africa. Everything happend so fast I couldnt believe it! Africa was amazing and I really connected with God here. It was an awesome experience that will forever impact my life!

I returned home and still was doing good! Getting a little less on fire for God. . but still praying ect. . Guess I was just on a Jesus High for a couple months. . but it soon disenecrated. I returned to Deer Creek and this was my first year of high school! For once, I was actually popular! It felt like a dream, I was so fake that I didnt even feel like myself, just like I was living somebody else's life. I cant really explain it, but all I know is I was 100% hyprocritical and fake! And because I was popular, all the cute guys were noticing me!

October 14th, 2005 the president of our class, Houston, asked me to be his girlfriend, AND to the homecoming formal on the 15th! (yeah, talk about short notice!) Well I said yes and went home and begged my parents! Since he was like the most popular kid in our class then man, this would make me school wide known! haha, I didnt even like him that much, I was solely dating him for selfish reason. To make myself more liked and wanted.

After a while of convincing my parents, they said yes. I was so excited, this was my first formal! Although I was a little disappointed because it was in such short notice, and I just felt a little cheated out of it. But the next day October 15h, 2005, he and his parents came over to pick me up and they met my parents. We then went back to his house to meet the other couple and take pictures. He was giving me a tour of his house and showed me the game room upstairs. Here, he stopped me and pulled me in and kissed me, then his exact words were "man, i've waited SO long to do that!" My first thought was gah, this guy is a perve! We havent even been dating 24 hours and he just COULDN'T wait to kiss me! So this showed me he had no patience, or self control.

Then we went to eat at Sushi Niko and then to the dance. They just dropped us off on the campus becuase we couldnt find which buildint it was. So all four of us were aimlessly walking around UCO in the dark, trying to find the dance. Houston suggested we split up and we could find it faster! I thought this was a horrible idea and just said I wanted to stay with Angel and Chicago! (the other couple) But after fighting his strong will won. So we split up and started wondering in the dark by ourselves trying to find it. I felt soo uncomfortable and just wanted to go to the dance!

He then started steering away into the shadows, pulling my hand and telling me to follow. We went down this weird staircase and found this little weird concrete room, no one was around. I was scared and disappointed. I didnt like the situation I was in. He said he just wanted some time alone with me first and just wanted to kiss me. So we just started kissing and he insisted on doing more.

I had NO intentions of loosing my virginity that night. 1) it was with a guy i barely even knew! 2) I was only 14. and 3) I was basically forced into it. I dont want to call it 'rape' because yes I could've fought alot more! I could've hit him or gotten away. But at the same time, I didnt want to at all. I only wanted to go to the dance. He told me everything would be ok. He told me not to fight. And even though my spirit was willing, my flesh was weak. I was scared to even scream. I got no enjoyment, no pleasure out of it. And walking away, all I felt was dirty.. I was upset that the very thing I held on to, was just ripped away from my hands. Could I really blame him though? Didnt I allow it to happen? I could've been stronger. I just beat myself up for the way I responded in that situation. I know I could've prevented it, but he saw inside me, and knew he could prey on it.

After all that happend we then found the building the dance was in and went. I felt kinda dizzy and in a daze. . I didnt even really want to dance anymore. . Everyone was saying the dance was lame, and Houston called his parents to come get us and a group of his friends. About 15 of us went back to his house and just hung out and drank. The night didnt go AT ALL how I planned. More than just dissappointment swormed me. I wanted just to shrivel up and dissapear.

I went home and tried to hide the tears behind my eyes, the hickies on my neck, and the shame and guilt that so rudely butted into my life. . I crawled in bed, and hid under the covers, wanting never to wake again...

The next monday at school was a mess! He told just about EVERYONE in the entire school! Even the seniors knew who I was. I was now this school slut, that slept with the class president, star football player, and wrestler, just after dating him for 24 hours. Yeah.. I def could not forget what had happend, I was reminded of it every step I took down the hallway, every whisper behind my back, and every giggle in my face. It was a nightmare and even though my popularity soared, my character and integrity and self esteem was demolished.

Because I then felt like I really had nothing to lose now, and I couldnt screw up any worse, and why try to change cause this is just the way it is, then I started sleeping with him and one other guy on a regular basis. I felt like I had to start liking it, and what I was doing, because this is just the way its always going to be! I felt no turning back. No sense of help.

I was stuck. I was hopeless. I was alone.

Next post will be a continuation of 9th grade.

MY STORY PART FOUR- 8TH GRADE

This year is more of a blur for some reason. 8th grade was when I got hooked on drinking and smoking. The first time I smoked was, never would've guessed it, AT CHURCH! haha. but its true, and (funny sidenote, so I was kinda blonde, and it was my first one, so I accidently lit it upsidedown, yeah its true lol) Anyways! but sometimes my mom wouldnt be home so I would go next door to this guy named Brandons house and drink. Also at night I would sneak out and go to parties. At school I would smoke with Courtney in the bathroom, we got told on once, but never actually caught. I HATED smoking, I only did it to fit in, or to look cool.

By fall break I had had enough of Deer Creek! I was soo fed up with everything it was doing to me. The drinking, the smoking, the cliches i had to fit in with, all the guys taking advantage of me, and I wasnt even learning that much! It was pointless and stupid. So I asked my mom to take me out and try this correspondance homeschool thing called American Academy. After Fall break I just didnt go back to school, the first few weeks were good, I was enjoying the time with my mom at home all day, and the time away all those fake people i called friends.

By Spring break I had had enough of homeschooling! I was behind on my work, fighting with mom (not that it was her fault, but anytime you spend TOO much time with someone, you start to bonk heads) So, after a while of begging I returned to Deer creek after Spring break. This was when I went from goth or emo, to 100% prep!! I died my hair platnum blonde, I went and got Abercrombie, american eagle, and hollister clothes that were WAY too small for me! And wore too much make up, pretty much looked like a slut.

Well, because of the way I decided to dress every morning my mom would correct me (out of love) and say I needed to change clothes. OH MY! The fights began, I wanted to wear what I wanted to wear! So... I would wear something she approved of, and just stick my other clothes in my bag, at the bus stop I would go behind some trees and change clothes, or just wait till I got to school and change in the bathroom. I was determined to get the guys attention now.


This was also the year I got in trouble alot. I got in a huge fight with Courtney one time in the bathroom, got detention for that. And skipped class or was just tardie many times, detention for that. I once cussed out a kid in class, got a week of detention for that! things just werent going my way. All I wanted was to be accepted, and all I was getting in was just a huge mess!

But with all this I was still cutting and hating life. I hated what I was doing, who I was with, what I was wearing, what I was saying, etc etc. I was not happy with the person I was. So, I started bringing my razor blade thing to school so I could cut my wrists whenever I needed too. One of my "friends" lauren decided "out of love" she would tell on me. Well needless to say, they found it, and I got out of school suspension for the last 2 weeks of school. .

wow, next is 9th grade, here comes the drama.