Beauty in the Breakdown

Wow, so I dont even know where to start. For the past few days, I guess since Tuesday or Wednesday then I have been dealing with ALOT of emotions and trying to hide them as well as I could. Its a little complicated to explain how my mind and thinking process works, but I'll do the best I can. . For a while now I've been trying to live up to people's expectations and I fail almost everytime. I want to be a normal stable girl, who does not have all this emotional weakness who cries at the drop of a pin. Right now I'm struggling to get over jealousy and bitterness, also trying to see myself the way God sees me, rather than what I see when I look in the mirror. I had been doing fairly well with these issues up untill just last week.

When I fail then I just want to have a huge breakdown, but then I dont want to show anyone I'm having these problems because then everyone will just think I'm too needy and weak! And thats my pet peeve.
I DONT WANT TO BE NEEDY! I just want to stuff all my emotions and problems and pretend I have a perfect life.

Well this week I found out that is definatly NOT possible for me at this time. Since I had been stuffing all those things, I got to the point where I felt like I was in the bottom of a big hole and didnt know how to get out. I couldnt pray, I couldnt pray for myself, or for other people, I couldnt talk to God! I felt soo far away that it just got me even more depressed!! It was this HUGE cycle that just kept my head spinning and still even confuses me. Needless to say, I didnt eat anything but 1/2 of a cinnaman roll ALL day saturday. And Sunday all I had was a sandwich. I felt so emotionally stuck that if I ate I wouldnt be able to keep it down. My stomach was in knots, and my head was in circles. What even made it worse was I couldnt even cry!!! And thats just not normal for me! I tried sooo hard to cry, and the tears just wouldnt come. . but my insides were screaming! Well last night at Life Group 401 during praise and worship I just sat there, I couldnt sing, couldnt pray, couldnt think about God. I was so distracted by my feelings. It wasnt untill the last song we sang called

"Yearn" by Shane Barnard

holy design

this place in time

that i might seek and find my God

my God

Lord i want to yearn for You

i want to burn with passion

over You and only You

Lord i want to yearn

Your joy is mine

yet why am i fine

with all my singing and bringing grain

in light of Him

oh You give life and breath

through Him You give all thing

sin Him we live and move

that's why i sing

So this is the song that I could really connect with! I just lost it and starting balling! It felt soo good to cry! When the song was over I quickly ran to the bathroom so no one would see my tears. When I finished crying and wiped my tears I then returned to the group. The guys had gone upstairs so it was just us girls. I sat down and tried hiding that I had just had, yet another emotional breakdown..

When there was a break in the group Lori (a good friend of mine) saw my heart and what I was hiding and crawled over to me and asked to pray for me. She embraced me and prayed in my ear, tears started to trickle my face again, and then the room fell silent. When she finished as I looked up I was a little embarrassed because every girl in that room was staring at me. But at the same time I felt like a burden had been lifted. Everyone starting encouraging me and finding scriptures. I just felt so built up. (thank you all!) And the very girls that satan was trying to get me to be jealous of, were the ones who were telling me I was beautiful! Inside and out. It was so good to just be open and get all of it out! I felt so refreshed! Even after group let out, it was almost like a war for people to get my attention, just one person after the other. I felt SO loved and SO accepted! Like never before!

Although, I was still sooo emotional.. just good emotions now :) but then I was really excited wanting to go to Braums after group and tell Taylor EVERYTHING that had just happend! He was talking and having a good time with his friends though and not wanting to leave at that time, I took it as rejection and my emotions flipped again. In anger, rejection, and dissappointment I drove off the Braums to get a get ice cream by myself and take my cares to God. I began praying and instantly Taylor calls me, he hears the pain in my voice and recognized that he had hurt me. Without even asking him to come, within 2 min I feel his arm around me just embracing me. As I continue crying I tell him how I was feeling (communication is the key). Also sharing all the joys that came for group. By the end of the talk I was smiling again. How can I seriously stay frustrated at Taylor?! :)

Anyways, in the big picture, this is just how I feel. . .

In the past, my relationships were solely based on physical apperance, guys liked me for what that saw on the outside. All I had to do was put on a little more make-up, lose a little weight, and wear skankier clothes and bam, I have another guy that wants me.

Taylor is different, he likes me not only for what he sees on the outside, but more importantly on what I have on the inside. Knowing this, puts soo much pressure on me. Sometimes I feel like I have to live up to his spiritual standards, or emotional stableness. With other guys I could just hide behing the make-up. With Taylor, theres no hiding. It so much harder to change your heart than to change your shirt. This was the main cause and reason for sending me into this whole emotional wreck.

But our talk last night, has been one of the most meaningful talks we've had. It encourage me to know that no matter what season I'm going through spirtitually or/and emotionally he is still there for me! He assured me that just because things get crazy or hard etc that he's NOT giving up! He'll love me through better and through worse. It still to this day amazes me how he has the patience and the heart to commit to me and love me and be there for me.

Its undescribable, uncontainable, all the blessings God has giving me! I am now WORRY FREE!!! I thank God for the really really exciting happy times! and for my lowest of lows. Knowing, He is always there for me, loving me unconditionally!

So just close your eyes, and listen to this song, let your heart race and yearn for HIM!