MY STORY PART TEN- SUMMER OF 2007

I loved getting to know Shanna and the family! I didnt have a job yet so I was there almost 100% of the time, because I hadnt met very many good friends yet either. These days were spent, talking and laughing, crying and mourning, sweeping and cleaning, and playing with the boys. It was quite fun, they completely accepted me in and treated me like their daughter! They changed their playroom into my room and were just so giving and loving. I really liked how Godly and accepting this family was!

I would LOVE to say I was perfect from here out, but I still went through soo many issues, and had so many problems to take care of! When I moved out of Nates and into Shannas, Dean threw a fit! He wanted me to stay next door to him. We started fighting alot. I talked about him some to Shanna and Jerome and they would talk to me about how its not the best idea for me to be dating him. This was such a hard decision! But after praying alot and having their encouragment, I broke up with him June 3rd, 2007. He was not happy!

This was ALOT of pain I had to deal with! He would call me a b*tch and and other names and was very harsh verbally. I took all these things personally, just like I always do and felt alot of rejection. This is where I fell into a depression. I was torn and didnt know which way to run. the Crawfords in one hear telling me theres such a better life out there for me! And that God wants to help me! And Dean was in another ear begging for me to run back away, we could even go out of state! and no one would ever find us!

Well then June 15th-24th, 2007 I took a vacation to NC with my family! I was so excited about this trip! Nothing more fun than 10 days single on the beach! We stayed in a condo right on the beach. . The first few days it was innocent fun! I loved the waves, the shopping, the family dinners! In the begginning I was so enjoying getting to be with my family again! I didnt realize how much I missed them!

But then, mid-week, I started getting bored and noticing guys, and noticing that guys were noticing me! I was such a flirt! A group of older, (prob in their 20s) called me over and started talking to me, they invited me to a party that night across the street! I told my sister I was going, and she refused to let her little sis go all by herself! So we went up to my mom asked if we could go, but lied and said we were going put put! anyways, so we went, it was a little lame, but ok. I ended up sleeping with the guy I had met on the beach that morning.

The last day, I ran into him again on the beach, we agreed about meeting on the beach that night at midnight. It was the last night, so I wanted to do something crazy! Anyways, I snuck out and went down on the beach. (pause, so being on the beach, at midnight, full moon, waves crashing, all alone, with little crabs running around is the most gorgeous site i've ever seen!)
anyway! so I was waiting and waiting, and he wasnt coming, I was all alone, in the dark looking into the abbyss of the ocean! I saw two guys walking towards me! I couldnt make out who they were but it looked kinda like him, So I screamed "zack?" and they came up and I saw it wasnt him. But they started talking and flirting with me. For a while we just laid there and talked. . but then they convinced me to follow them.

We walked about a half mile to his jeep and met some of their other friends. We all piled in his jeep and decided to go hotel hopping looking for hotubs! None of us were wearing swimsuits though, so this was my first experience of skinny dipping! When we were at some hotel in some random hot tub, this is where I had sex with those two guys I didnt even know their name! While that was happening one of their friends came up and asked me if I would sleep with him too. The hotel manager guy came out though and called the plolice, we escaped. But me and the two guys friend. . I dont know his name either went down on the beach where no one was and I had sex with him! This was probably the sluttiest nights of my life!

Well the sun started to rise, I was scared, and didnt have a clue where I was! This last guy was from Virginia and said he would support me if I came and lived with him! I seriously considered it, went to his car, they were leaving that morning, and no one would ever find me in Virginia! It was tempting. . but I decided I just couldnt do that to my family! So around 5 am, I was some miles away from my condo, the sun was rising, and I had NO clothes(from skinny dipping, the other guys stole them)! The guy gave me his Tshirt, and it was really big so it covered me. barefoot I ran, I dont know how far, and I dont know how long. I remember crying and screaming! I felt so guilty for what I had just done! This was the first time I had really prayed and begged to God in true repentance in a LONG time! I almost felt refreshed..

I still to this day have no idea how I made it back to the condo! It was only by God-given strength. . I was weak and tired but still ran mile after mile, lost, trying to find my way. There were other people by this time, and they must have that I was one CRAZY lady! Running, with only a t shirt on, crying uncontainably and screaming for desperation! I kinda look back at this time and laugh, I must have looked soo silly to everyone else! haha.

Well I made it back and crawled in bed, everyone still asleep, and no one knew.

Now, explaining why I did the things I did... This was my way of dealing with the rejection Dean gave me and I broke up with him. I wanted to still feel like guys liked me, I wanted to know I wasnt worthless. All that this did was make things worse! Instead of healing, it brought more pain! more distortion! more that I just had to deal with. I felt so guilty.

Next post will be about when I got back to Oklahoma and how I dealt with everything that had happend.

MY STORY PART NINE- 10TH GRADE (PART THREE)

Dean was my best friend, and because I felt like I NEEDED a guy, I turned to him and jumped into another relationship. He was not a Christian but I thought I could change him. Little did I know. My parents didnt like him, he wasnt really the best guy, but he accepted me and showed me love, and thats all I was looking for.
I was making wrong decisions again and my parents had a talk with me, they said either they would support me, and I had to obey all their rules, or I could make my decisions and support myself. Of course I chose the second choice, and since I believed I was indpendent now I made moving aragments with Dean and his friend and moved out May 17th, 2007.


Leaving was one of the hardest things; saying goodbye to my younger brothers who were crying in the driveway. It still breaks my heart today knowing how much pain I caused my whole family! Anyway, Lance (Dean's friend) picked me up and all my stuff, and he took me to another one of Dean's friend's house. There were two guys living there, who were 20 and 23, Nate and Brian. They both smoked pot and were kinda crazy, but chill and cool. When I had moved in it was the first night I had even met them! It was 12am. . and was such a weird feeling moving in with two strangers. . So as soon as I got all my stuff moved in, we went to walmart to get some food and groceries (college-age-pot-head-guys didnt believe in eating)(or cleaning) lol. After we came back it was around 3 am, I picked up the kitchen a little cause it was really dirty. Since I didnt have money to pay them rent, my part way of paying them was by cleaning their house, cause they were guys, and they were slobs!

I didnt go to sleep at all that night. Just lying on the couch, watching the goldfish, praying to God, and thinking about my family, I was in shock of what I had just done. Did I really just leave the people who love me most? for the ones who barely even care about me? So much pain and regret swallowed me. I coudn't cry, couldnt show emotions. I was numb.

The next morning May 18th, 2007, Nate and Brian both had to work. I didnt have a house key yet, so when I left, I was basically locked out till 6pm. Restless and annoyed, I got up and got ready.. I didnt know exactly where to go or what to do. Dean was at school. and I knew no one else at that side of town. (Britton, MacArthur and NW Expressway).. All I knew was I had a longing for attention, and a void to fill, so I wanted guys to hit on me, so I basically put on the sluttiest clothes I owned.

Around 10 am, I started walking around town. I wasnt very familiar with this part of town so I was just aimlessly walking around, enjoying all the guys who would honk at me as they drive by. Eventually I found a strip mall and went store to store collecting job applications. Then I remembered Reggie (my first real boyfriend) lived in that part of town, So I called him and he came and picked me up. We went out for ice cream at Braums, and talked a while. Then he drove me to hefner lake where we walked around and and talked more. He then had to leave so I found a bench and layed down and fell asleep, even though this was probably not the safest thing to do, I was exausted.

I think I slept for about an hour and then my phone rings. . Its a number I dont recognize, so I answer.. My mom sounds frightnend and breathless, she was calling from a payphone just so I would answer, she tells me that she needs to know where I am or she'll call the police, I was only 15 and legally couldnt be moved out, also she said she already talked to Shanna about me moving in and I could.

I told her where I was, a little happy to see my family again, yet scared of how life was going to play out. But I no longer cared. Then all the sudden something hit me, and I got this surge of anger! I didnt want to go back! I had already ran away! I could hide! and they would never find me! I rebelled and called Nate to come pick me up so my parents wouldnt find me.. he did and I turned my phone off so my parents couldnt call. We went to City Bites and just sat down. I wasnt sure what I was really doing. We then decided to drive back to the house, Nate lived 3 houses down from Dean and my parents knew where Dean lived. So when my parents saw I wasnt where I told them, they went to Dean's house.

When Nate and I pulled in the neighborhood I saw my parents car and freaked!! I never would've thought they could find me! So I ducked down and told Nate to drive off. He took me to a gas station where I turned on my phone and called my parents. I lied and said sorry, my phone went dead. They came and picked me up.

I got in the car and didnt know how to react, how to feel, what to say. It was so akward. I knew I had just betrayed my family, so why are they picking me up? why do they still love me? I didnt understand. . .

I had only met Shanna twice, at her girls bible study, and I had never really met Jerome, or the boys. Moving in was hard, cause I felt like I was butting into their life. By the time I got there it was around 6pm and I was extremely sunburned and tired! No sleep+walking around for 8 hours+the sun=exausted!

All of my things were still at Nates house so Shanna gave me some clothes and shower stuff and make up and I went to freshen up. We went to a girls night sleepover thing that night. It was good cause it kinda got my mind off things. I actually felt semi-normal again. . but still in a shell, scared, and a little confused. .

sorry this post was so long! I promise we're getting close to done of all of 10th grade!! Next post is more about my experience of living with the Crawfords! love you Shanna! :)
Thanks for reading everyone!

MY STORY PART EIGHT- 10TH GRADE (PART TWO)

I was doing well, and started dating this one guy from Deer Creek. He was actually a good guy, kinda boring, but he didnt use me, didnt take advantage of me, or anything, it was actually a semi healthy relationship, only problem, he wasnt really a Christian.

I went to a Youth America confrence over fall break at Church of the Harvest. This was such a fun expeirience! I finally met good Christian friends! I reconnected with God and was doing good spiritually again. I realized that the guy I was dating was distracting me from God and I felt like when I got home I needed to call and break up with him. . well. . Satan didnt like this idea. .


After the conference was over and I was standing out in the front area looking at T-shirts, this older guy, Brandon, started talking to me about this small Bible College he was attending. He said he wanted to send me flyers and information about it and asked for my name number and address. I actually bought into it and gave it to him. 2 days later he calls me and just starts talking to me, we had about a 20 min conversation and then get off. Afterwards, I felt a little weird. Wasnt sure if this was right or wrong? Did God have me break up with that other guy for God? or for Brandon?


Brandon was 21 and I was only 15. He was in a Bible college where he made the committment not to date till June 07, and it was only October 06. He kept calling me though and we were talking more and more. He admitted he liked me but couldnt officially use the name "girlfriend" with me because of his committment. I had no trust with my parents, so I was not allowed to go out on dates, so I would have him over to the house alot. Everytime my parents would comment about the age difference, I would throw at them how they are 6 years apart. By dating an older guy it made me feel more mature, or older myself. The one thing that I would find strange was EVERY time he would come over he would bring soo many gifts for me! It was almost overwhelming! He was becomming just obbessed with me. Teddy bears, after chocolates, after flowers, after candy, after clothes, or hats. He bought me anything and everything! He even bought me a white gold ring, with a diamond. And a $120 figure skating dress! When I say he was obbessed, I mean it. This almost scared me.. and it may sound weird, but I was getting sick of him bringing me so much stuff! I felt like he was trying to buy my love.


Well the people at his college found out about me and he got kicked out. This upset me and made me question if I was doing the right thing or not. In the begginning of the relationship we agreed that we werent going to kiss, a few weeks later we agreed we were going to do nothing more than kiss, and then we just agreed we wouldnt have sex. He was starting to pressure me into things. On the phone he would ask me weird questions and would want me to have phone sex with him. I had never done this before and this made me soo uncomfortable. It became and everyday routine though, he would call, and I could tell in his voice just exactly what he wanted. This was our main cause of fighting; After we would have phone sex, he would apologize and pray, and then say it was my fault for tempting him so much. I didnt understand! I was the one that didnt want to do it! Most of the time I would just pretend. Then, he started asking me to take pictures for him. This wasnt too strange, back in 8th grade I started taking pornic pictures for guys who asked.


But I started seeing his main drive and desire for me though. I realized his focus had shifted and sex was all he wanted. When I was with him, he would alway ask me to go to the bathroom and take off my underwear to give to him. Everything he asked of me I found perverted and disgusting! I felt like I was a slave again. I didnt like it. I wanted out!


Feb 23, 2007, I said we needed to go on a fast from each other. I needed a break and a time to rethink things. Over these three days I prayed and fasted. I knew that Brandon was bad news and that I needed out. On Feb 26th, 2007, I called him and told him the news, that I had had enough, and we were through. He begged me to sneak out that night just to talk to him, that he wanted to kiss me one last time and that was all! Being the naive self I was, I agreed. He picked me up and we drove down a dirt road and parked, I brought this book that I had been reading, exlpaining sexual purity and courting etc; the main reason why I broke up with him. I went into his car that night, expecting to have good conversation with him, explaining my new revelation! I was almost excited. Well, as soon as we stopped he looked at me, he had this look in his eye that I had never seen before! It scared me to death! Brandon no longer had brandon's eyes, but the eyes of someone whom I didnt even know! They were cold and possessed, and he looked like he was about to prey. He asked me for that one kiss, I agreed and kissed him. He told me not to stop, I got off and reminded him of what his promise was, only one kiss, nothing more. . He told me to get in the back seat, I glanced back and saw a gun. (later i found out it was only an airsoft gun, but in the dark i really couldnt tell) This frightended me and I got back there. I then saw a walmart sack that had flavored lotion, condems, etc. Then I realized I had been set up all along! Why did this keep happening to me? Why me? I was in shock and couldnt do anything about it. I couldnt scream, couldnt move, couldnt fight. This Brandon that was controlling me was not the Brandon I thought I knew. Had it been a lie the whole time? Who was this guy? Then all the sudden I got a surge of energy, of anger. I screamed and fought and grabbed my clothes and opended the car door and just started running. I didnt care if I was butt naked, all I cared about was getting away. I have never run that fast in my life, he chased me with his car, but I went into the woods so he couldnt get me. Then when I had lost him, I went back into my room, got dressed and got in bed. I didnt go to sleep that night, I was still in shock, of what had just happend.

Phone call after phone call from Brandon, I finally answered. My tone was mean and cold. He said that he was stupid and he was sorry. I didnt know what to believe. So I just blocked him out of my life. I felt guilty for putting myself in that situation. It was my fault right? I felt like I had broken my vow with God, about not having sex untill marriage. God could NEVER forgive me now. I was a horrible sinner, and I just had to accept that. I had had enough. Every time that I tried to get better and act more responsibly, something even worse would happen! It was a cycle in my life, that I just had to get use to. I felt as if things would NEVER change. .

Sorry 10th grade is so long!! next post will be part 3 of 10th grade. love you guys! Thank you for reading and I hope this doesnt upset you, but make you happy to know that even though satan will try to throw sooo many things against us with God, we are strong enough to endure them and get past them! I hope you see I'm giving God ALL the glory! He has changed me, loved me, and molded me into someone completely different! In His eyes I am now a princess, and you are too! (or prince) :)

MY STORY PART SEVEN- 10TH GRADE(PART ONE)

So as I began to write out this year, it became longer than I imagined! I will probably divide up into 3 different postings, just so I dont overwhelm you. Thank you for reading!

Just a reminder, at this point I was still drinking, smoking, sneaking out etc. I was also still being homeschooled, although not really doing my school. Well, this too was a very eventful year!

Lets start with September 3rd, 2006, I went to one of my friends 16th birthday party. Her older brother is about 4 years older than me, and always found me attractive. Because I hadnt had much guy attention since I left DCHS I just clung to him all night, we ended up going farther then we should have and again I felt dirty. Me and my friends decided to peirce my belly button that night, it was sooo painfull and stressful that I smoked a pack and a half, which was more than I had ever smoked in one night before! That was the night that I decided that I was really getting addicted, which was something I never wanted to do. So that was the last night I touched a ciggarette.


I really dont like talking about what happend on September 11th, 2006, this was one of the worste nights, and only 2 or 3 people know about it. It makes me feel ashamed, weak, humiliated, frustrated, and soo many other feelings I cant even describe. Please dont judge me for what happend... I went to go hang out with one of my college friends who was a good Christian girl and I just love her to death! Lets call her Sally.. I was suppose to go out to eat and then spend the night with Sally this night. While we were eating this other girl, we'll call Jamie, called and wanted to hang out. I had known Jamie for almost 6 years and was a pretty good friend. She was 18 and half black, quite strong and tom boy-ish. She had anger problems, and would get into fights alot. We were kinda friends but always had a weird feeling about her. . Sally agreed and Jamie met us at Red Robin. We ate and laughed and everything was going great. The family Jamie was staying with was out of town, so no one was home, so we agreed to go over there to watch a movie and stay the night there. We started watching Benchwarmers and Sally soon fell asleep. Jamie scooted over closer and layed right next to me. This made me a little uncomfortable, but I was ok. After the movie was over Jamie was still wide awake and asked me to talk a walk with her. It was almost 1 am and we went walking around the neighborhood. I then could sense something was up. . Because of her age and anger this scared me. I was being so fake and pretending to have fun though, skipping and laughing around the block. . . But then, she suggested something that just made me feel so akward. She dared me to strip down my clothes and go streaking through the neighborhood. I immediatly told her no! I wouldnt do such a thing! But she started to get frustrated with me, so embarressed and afraid I did it. I then gathered my clothes and ran back to the house. She stopped me and pulled me back to her room. . She wouldnt turn on the lights and locked the door. I was scared, I felt like this was a dream, I was trapped in a room with some physco friend of mine that has anger problems and controlling issues and I wasnt sure what was going to happen next. Jamie then addmitted to me that she has always been a lesbian and has liked me, that this was her dream to get me alone. Oh gosh, I was gonna pee my pants. This was not at all what I wanted to hear from her. . Next is the most embarrassing and humiliating thing! I dont know why I attract all these sexual preditors but I do. And being raped by a GIRL only made it worse!! I felt sooo disgusting, and ashamed. How do you even describe that? being raped by a girl? Its just SO embarrasing!! I cringe at every thought of it. Well I told ONE person, who told my youth pastor who confronted my parents. We went and filed a police report, because she was 18. Still untill now, those were the only people I've really shared this with. This was one of the hardest things to get over just in my self esteem. It was that night that I had had enough.

I made 3 vows to God and wrote them down.. 1) I would never smoke again. 2.) I would never have sex again till I was married. 3.) I would never drink again untill I was either 21, or got married, whichever comes first. I started to change and give my life back over to God. This was a big break down that I really didnt know how to handle, so I went to the only person I knew still loved me! My Daddy up in heaven!

MY STORY PART SIX- 9TH GRADE (2ND HALF)

I kept going to school, believing the lie, this is just the way it is. I was practically Houston's slave, I would sneak off at lunch for him, I would sneak out at night for him, and just what he said goes. Back then, I would've never admitted that he was controlling or manipulative, but now I see it so clearly.

Not even a month passes by before my parents find out. A friend that found out, told their parents, who called my mom. I was frustrated and scared. I didnt know what to do or what to say. My parents of course were extremely upset. November 3rd, 2005 was my last day in a public school. Because of my crazy behaviour, my parents said it was the public school that was presuring and influencing me. More than anything this made me mad. That was the one place I could go and pretend to have friends, kinda feel popular, and get my social high. Now that I was home I felt trapped.

I continued to see Houston. At night, on the phone, and on occasion my parents would let him come over. There are alot of mixed emotions here, it was kinda a bittersweet relationship now. I didnt like how controlled I was or how used he would make me feel, but because he was my first, then I just had this sense of attachment. For some reason, I felt like the person I lost my virginity with was the person I had to marry. I tried with everything in me to make it work. But time after time, we would scream at each other and brake up and then get back together. He would make me feel stupid and push down my self esteem. There was alot of internal damage in this relationship. But I just kept holding on.

Finally in the spring we broke up. I really wasnt sure what to think here. I actually dont remember much of the rest of this year. I do remember I was VERY rebellious, I fought with everything I could find to fight about.

Sorry if this was a short and boring post, The next will be 10th grade.. alot more interesting!

MY STORY PART FIVE- 9TH GRADE(first half)

So lets start with the summer between 8th and 9th grade. I went to a Todd Bentley confrence in July. This really opended up my eyes and I knew I wanted to change and I found hope! After the confrence I found him in the hall. He has a ministry called Fresh Fire. They were going on a mission trip to Uganda end of August and had one spot left. The deadline was already passed a long time ago but he said he would leave that one spot open for me if my parents said yes and I raised the money. So, I was extremely excited and ready to change! To started praying more and reading my bible, trying to make better decisions in just everyday life. A little over a month I found myself on a plane flying over Belguim on my way to Uganda, Africa. Everything happend so fast I couldnt believe it! Africa was amazing and I really connected with God here. It was an awesome experience that will forever impact my life!

I returned home and still was doing good! Getting a little less on fire for God. . but still praying ect. . Guess I was just on a Jesus High for a couple months. . but it soon disenecrated. I returned to Deer Creek and this was my first year of high school! For once, I was actually popular! It felt like a dream, I was so fake that I didnt even feel like myself, just like I was living somebody else's life. I cant really explain it, but all I know is I was 100% hyprocritical and fake! And because I was popular, all the cute guys were noticing me!

October 14th, 2005 the president of our class, Houston, asked me to be his girlfriend, AND to the homecoming formal on the 15th! (yeah, talk about short notice!) Well I said yes and went home and begged my parents! Since he was like the most popular kid in our class then man, this would make me school wide known! haha, I didnt even like him that much, I was solely dating him for selfish reason. To make myself more liked and wanted.

After a while of convincing my parents, they said yes. I was so excited, this was my first formal! Although I was a little disappointed because it was in such short notice, and I just felt a little cheated out of it. But the next day October 15h, 2005, he and his parents came over to pick me up and they met my parents. We then went back to his house to meet the other couple and take pictures. He was giving me a tour of his house and showed me the game room upstairs. Here, he stopped me and pulled me in and kissed me, then his exact words were "man, i've waited SO long to do that!" My first thought was gah, this guy is a perve! We havent even been dating 24 hours and he just COULDN'T wait to kiss me! So this showed me he had no patience, or self control.

Then we went to eat at Sushi Niko and then to the dance. They just dropped us off on the campus becuase we couldnt find which buildint it was. So all four of us were aimlessly walking around UCO in the dark, trying to find the dance. Houston suggested we split up and we could find it faster! I thought this was a horrible idea and just said I wanted to stay with Angel and Chicago! (the other couple) But after fighting his strong will won. So we split up and started wondering in the dark by ourselves trying to find it. I felt soo uncomfortable and just wanted to go to the dance!

He then started steering away into the shadows, pulling my hand and telling me to follow. We went down this weird staircase and found this little weird concrete room, no one was around. I was scared and disappointed. I didnt like the situation I was in. He said he just wanted some time alone with me first and just wanted to kiss me. So we just started kissing and he insisted on doing more.

I had NO intentions of loosing my virginity that night. 1) it was with a guy i barely even knew! 2) I was only 14. and 3) I was basically forced into it. I dont want to call it 'rape' because yes I could've fought alot more! I could've hit him or gotten away. But at the same time, I didnt want to at all. I only wanted to go to the dance. He told me everything would be ok. He told me not to fight. And even though my spirit was willing, my flesh was weak. I was scared to even scream. I got no enjoyment, no pleasure out of it. And walking away, all I felt was dirty.. I was upset that the very thing I held on to, was just ripped away from my hands. Could I really blame him though? Didnt I allow it to happen? I could've been stronger. I just beat myself up for the way I responded in that situation. I know I could've prevented it, but he saw inside me, and knew he could prey on it.

After all that happend we then found the building the dance was in and went. I felt kinda dizzy and in a daze. . I didnt even really want to dance anymore. . Everyone was saying the dance was lame, and Houston called his parents to come get us and a group of his friends. About 15 of us went back to his house and just hung out and drank. The night didnt go AT ALL how I planned. More than just dissappointment swormed me. I wanted just to shrivel up and dissapear.

I went home and tried to hide the tears behind my eyes, the hickies on my neck, and the shame and guilt that so rudely butted into my life. . I crawled in bed, and hid under the covers, wanting never to wake again...

The next monday at school was a mess! He told just about EVERYONE in the entire school! Even the seniors knew who I was. I was now this school slut, that slept with the class president, star football player, and wrestler, just after dating him for 24 hours. Yeah.. I def could not forget what had happend, I was reminded of it every step I took down the hallway, every whisper behind my back, and every giggle in my face. It was a nightmare and even though my popularity soared, my character and integrity and self esteem was demolished.

Because I then felt like I really had nothing to lose now, and I couldnt screw up any worse, and why try to change cause this is just the way it is, then I started sleeping with him and one other guy on a regular basis. I felt like I had to start liking it, and what I was doing, because this is just the way its always going to be! I felt no turning back. No sense of help.

I was stuck. I was hopeless. I was alone.

Next post will be a continuation of 9th grade.

MY STORY PART FOUR- 8TH GRADE

This year is more of a blur for some reason. 8th grade was when I got hooked on drinking and smoking. The first time I smoked was, never would've guessed it, AT CHURCH! haha. but its true, and (funny sidenote, so I was kinda blonde, and it was my first one, so I accidently lit it upsidedown, yeah its true lol) Anyways! but sometimes my mom wouldnt be home so I would go next door to this guy named Brandons house and drink. Also at night I would sneak out and go to parties. At school I would smoke with Courtney in the bathroom, we got told on once, but never actually caught. I HATED smoking, I only did it to fit in, or to look cool.

By fall break I had had enough of Deer Creek! I was soo fed up with everything it was doing to me. The drinking, the smoking, the cliches i had to fit in with, all the guys taking advantage of me, and I wasnt even learning that much! It was pointless and stupid. So I asked my mom to take me out and try this correspondance homeschool thing called American Academy. After Fall break I just didnt go back to school, the first few weeks were good, I was enjoying the time with my mom at home all day, and the time away all those fake people i called friends.

By Spring break I had had enough of homeschooling! I was behind on my work, fighting with mom (not that it was her fault, but anytime you spend TOO much time with someone, you start to bonk heads) So, after a while of begging I returned to Deer creek after Spring break. This was when I went from goth or emo, to 100% prep!! I died my hair platnum blonde, I went and got Abercrombie, american eagle, and hollister clothes that were WAY too small for me! And wore too much make up, pretty much looked like a slut.

Well, because of the way I decided to dress every morning my mom would correct me (out of love) and say I needed to change clothes. OH MY! The fights began, I wanted to wear what I wanted to wear! So... I would wear something she approved of, and just stick my other clothes in my bag, at the bus stop I would go behind some trees and change clothes, or just wait till I got to school and change in the bathroom. I was determined to get the guys attention now.


This was also the year I got in trouble alot. I got in a huge fight with Courtney one time in the bathroom, got detention for that. And skipped class or was just tardie many times, detention for that. I once cussed out a kid in class, got a week of detention for that! things just werent going my way. All I wanted was to be accepted, and all I was getting in was just a huge mess!

But with all this I was still cutting and hating life. I hated what I was doing, who I was with, what I was wearing, what I was saying, etc etc. I was not happy with the person I was. So, I started bringing my razor blade thing to school so I could cut my wrists whenever I needed too. One of my "friends" lauren decided "out of love" she would tell on me. Well needless to say, they found it, and I got out of school suspension for the last 2 weeks of school. .

wow, next is 9th grade, here comes the drama.

MY STORY PART THREE- 7th GRADE

ok first... I want to start off by saying I take FULL responsibility for ALL my actions. My parents are GREAT parents and it is NOT their fault. They did try to help me. I remember looong talks at night in their room, with them trying to figure out whats going on in my life. And how my mom would go out of her way to take me to Arkansas on a Girls retreat. Or just her baking cookies for me cause I had a bad day at school. I even remember one specific day at school I was having a horrible day and my mom came and checked me out and we went shopping and out to eat. I thought I had the coolest mom ever! :) and I do.
I just dont want any of you to look at my story and judge my parents for my actions. I am a person and it was my responsibility for the deicisions I made. I wouldnt trade them for the world!

Anyways, back to the story...
soo.. 7th grade was worse. Ohh the bus rides! I was pretty much kept to myself on the bus, I didnt like anyone who rode with me, so I would ride a few rows from the back by myself every morning and every afternoon just listening to my music. Well.. after a couple weeks into school this boy name Eric, who is one grade higher than me, started sitting by me. He was the loud one, the jock, the annoying guy everyone likes and thinks is cool, the class clown. Well, he would sit by me and try to joke with me, being the shy side of wendy I would just giggle and play along, not really showing any intrest or emotion. He saw how I was shy, how I was scared, and he knew he could take advantage of that. He would make it a daily routine to sit next to me and put his back-pack on his lap so no one could see he was touching me. I would always try to make excuses, like it was that time of the month, etc. But he wouldnt fall for it all the time. It then just became something I had to deal with. He would try every morning, and every afternoon.

Also in my science class there was a guy named David. He was always looking for ways he could get his hands on me. He sat directly behind me and the seats had holes in the back. He would try to touch my butt or when I would check out to go to the library or bathroom, he would immediatly check out too and trap me in the hall. He was obbessed with boobs and butts! He was a perve. And by having both of these guys, every single day, touching me, made me feel like that was my purpose. I felt soo dirty, for I was only in 7th grade!! Other girls havent even had their first kiss yet, and I was already far beyond that.

I was still 'technically' Reggie's girlfriend. But with the physical, came the fighting. We were constantly cheating on each other. It was not a healthy relationship. (our parents wouldnt let us date.. but we just hid it from them) At school I was basically a slut.. getting popular for all the wrong reasons. At church, I was your sinless girl who did everything right. I lived a VERY doubled life! At school, I never even mentioned I had a boyfriend, and would constantly have multiple ones at a time.

This was one of the hardest years for me. The cutting kept one, the physical attraction from guys got worse, and I was stuffing everything that was going on. I didnt want to talk about to anyone. I knew how to be fake, how to trick people into thinking I was ok.


My parents tried everything they could to get me help, they took me to counseling, had talks with me, would be in my buisness and sometimes (overly)protective. I know all of this was out of love and care for their little girl. They didnt want me to go through anything I did!

Next will be 8th grade, thank you for reading!

MY STORY PART TWO- 6TH GRADE

I remember in the fall of the six grade wanting to go to a public school soooo bad! I had never gone before, and really wanted the experience, the friends! One November night I was sleeping on the floor of my brothers room, (company was staying in mine) and I stayed up all night praying to God to tell my mommy to put me in Deer Creek. That was my dream! To be a normal school girl. I was only 12 at this point.

December 9th, 2002 was the first day I layed foot in a public school. I had soo many butterlies and anxiety! Walking in with a purple velvet shirt with fur around the sleeves (i wanted to look rich lol) and had soo many questions "what will the other kids think of me?" "will i fit in?" "Is this really what I want?". The principle paged another student to come welcome me and give me a tour of the school, where my locker, and all my classes were. Then, I went into my first class, deer creek was still a small school, so a new kid, was a BIG deal! They all crowded me and asked me questions, I felt like I was IT! I was trying to answer each question perfectly so they would like me. .

Well, my popularity didnt last long. I wasnt informed on all the cliches in school! My, it was like everyone was enemies! I just didnt understand! I just wanted to be friends with everyone, why did I have to chose? So after a month I wasnt so cool, people started realizing who I was and just rejected. I became the loser of the school and started wearing black and being goth or emo. I started cutting my wrists, it just felt like the right thing to do.

By February 15th, 2003 I got my first REAL boyfriend. A guy from church, his name was Reggie. He was 14, I was still 12. By April 16th, 2003, I shared my first kiss with him. This was what I needed! I found it! The solution to my rejection, my hurt, my pain. Maybe if I just keep kissing and getting physical affection, then I'll know, I'm really loved.

Next will be 7th grade, where things at school, start winding out of control!

love you guys :)

MY STORY-PART ONE

THE BACKGROUND INFO

I was raised in a Christian home, both of my parents are Christian now, although were not saved untill some years after they were married. I have an older brother Paul, an older sister Emily, a younger brother Mark, and the youngest brother Jonathan. We moved around 8 times in 5 different states before I was 6 years old for my dad's job. Because of this and other reasons, we were all homeschooled. I never had any other friends other than my sister growing up, we moved around too much to develope any friendships, and I (never would've guessed it) was SHY! haha. but just around new people. When we moved back to Oklahoma, in the house we still live in now, we started attenting a church where i met my first and only best friend!

My older brother is 6 years older than me and we only played together half of the time. He was quite jealous of me because my sister use to be his best friend! When I was born she started playing with me instead of him, so he despised me for it. I felt alot of rejection from him. . remembering how he use to say he hated me and he would call me cuss words. Of course we would have our moments where we would get along and play together, but there was always a competition for my sisters attention.

My dad has always been the quiet type. Dont get me wrong, he is an AMAZING dad and I know he loves me but its just harder for him to show it. I never had that father-daughter connection with him. And because I didnt receive this from my dad, or my older brother, this left a void and longing for mens attention.

When I was about 6 years old I was sexually molested. I'm not mentioning any names, for it doesnt matter, that person has already been forgiving by me and God. It made me feel dirty though, but a hint of me liked it, kinda like thats just what I had needed to feel loved.

Anyways, I remember there always being alot of strife in our family. My older brother was hitting his teenage and rebellious years. Him and my mom would have fights everyday and this made me very uncomfortable. My sister on the other hand was going through depression and eating disorders etc so betweeen her and my brother they got 85% of the attention. And then I had a baby brother who was still a newborn, so he required alot of time. As well as my other brother mark who was going through tantrums and fits. So, needless to say I felt like I didnt really fit in. I'm a very needy person, and rarely were my needs ever fulfilled.

I want to say this is not my parents fault at all! I love them and understand raising 5 kids is hard work! I know they did alot better than I could ever do :)

Next post will be 6th grade.. my introduction to public schools!

love you guys!

Inspiration

So, after days of reading Shannas story it inspired me to write out mine. My very first post was a summary of my testimony, but definatly did not compare to everything I went through or did. Now that I am more secure in Christ, I'm not ashamed to open up and share what happend. I too, will spred it out among days... It probably wont be as interesting as Shannas, since I got saved 10 years before her! :) but I did have my fair share of battles and trials too!

Uncontainable Joy!

Geneses 21:6 God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears of this will laugh with me!


Job 8:21 He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy!


Psalm 126:2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."



Wow! God is good. . and HE has turned my mourning into dancing, my sorrow into joy!


Its silly to be frustrated and upset when I look at what all God has done for me! I'm so blessed with my family, and my second family (Crawfords) and my boyfriend Taylor, and ALL my new and good relationships!! Why do I sometimes get sooo caught up in all the materialistic things the world has to offer? All that matters are people! and friends!! (this is also why I think school is silly and a waste of time haha) But anyways, So I know this is such a short and sweet blog, but is so true. I'm in love with Jesus right now, and I understand its an EVERYDAY decision to be happy! I just got through a really dry season. I beleive it was all just a test. Thank you for all you who helped me through that time and prayed for me! Love you!