I was doing well, and started dating this one guy from Deer Creek. He was actually a good guy, kinda boring, but he didnt use me, didnt take advantage of me, or anything, it was actually a semi healthy relationship, only problem, he wasnt really a Christian.
I went to a Youth America confrence over fall break at Church of the Harvest. This was such a fun expeirience! I finally met good Christian friends! I reconnected with God and was doing good spiritually again. I realized that the guy I was dating was distracting me from God and I felt like when I got home I needed to call and break up with him. . well. . Satan didnt like this idea. .
After the conference was over and I was standing out in the front area looking at T-shirts, this older guy, Brandon, started talking to me about this small Bible College he was attending. He said he wanted to send me flyers and information about it and asked for my name number and address. I actually bought into it and gave it to him. 2 days later he calls me and just starts talking to me, we had about a 20 min conversation and then get off. Afterwards, I felt a little weird. Wasnt sure if this was right or wrong? Did God have me break up with that other guy for God? or for Brandon?
Brandon was 21 and I was only 15. He was in a Bible college where he made the committment not to date till June 07, and it was only October 06. He kept calling me though and we were talking more and more. He admitted he liked me but couldnt officially use the name "girlfriend" with me because of his committment. I had no trust with my parents, so I was not allowed to go out on dates, so I would have him over to the house alot. Everytime my parents would comment about the age difference, I would throw at them how they are 6 years apart. By dating an older guy it made me feel more mature, or older myself. The one thing that I would find strange was EVERY time he would come over he would bring soo many gifts for me! It was almost overwhelming! He was becomming just obbessed with me. Teddy bears, after chocolates, after flowers, after candy, after clothes, or hats. He bought me anything and everything! He even bought me a white gold ring, with a diamond. And a $120 figure skating dress! When I say he was obbessed, I mean it. This almost scared me.. and it may sound weird, but I was getting sick of him bringing me so much stuff! I felt like he was trying to buy my love.
Well the people at his college found out about me and he got kicked out. This upset me and made me question if I was doing the right thing or not. In the begginning of the relationship we agreed that we werent going to kiss, a few weeks later we agreed we were going to do nothing more than kiss, and then we just agreed we wouldnt have sex. He was starting to pressure me into things. On the phone he would ask me weird questions and would want me to have phone sex with him. I had never done this before and this made me soo uncomfortable. It became and everyday routine though, he would call, and I could tell in his voice just exactly what he wanted. This was our main cause of fighting; After we would have phone sex, he would apologize and pray, and then say it was my fault for tempting him so much. I didnt understand! I was the one that didnt want to do it! Most of the time I would just pretend. Then, he started asking me to take pictures for him. This wasnt too strange, back in 8th grade I started taking pornic pictures for guys who asked.
But I started seeing his main drive and desire for me though. I realized his focus had shifted and sex was all he wanted. When I was with him, he would alway ask me to go to the bathroom and take off my underwear to give to him. Everything he asked of me I found perverted and disgusting! I felt like I was a slave again. I didnt like it. I wanted out!
Feb 23, 2007, I said we needed to go on a fast from each other. I needed a break and a time to rethink things. Over these three days I prayed and fasted. I knew that Brandon was bad news and that I needed out. On Feb 26th, 2007, I called him and told him the news, that I had had enough, and we were through. He begged me to sneak out that night just to talk to him, that he wanted to kiss me one last time and that was all! Being the naive self I was, I agreed. He picked me up and we drove down a dirt road and parked, I brought this book that I had been reading, exlpaining sexual purity and courting etc; the main reason why I broke up with him. I went into his car that night, expecting to have good conversation with him, explaining my new revelation! I was almost excited. Well, as soon as we stopped he looked at me, he had this look in his eye that I had never seen before! It scared me to death! Brandon no longer had brandon's eyes, but the eyes of someone whom I didnt even know! They were cold and possessed, and he looked like he was about to prey. He asked me for that one kiss, I agreed and kissed him. He told me not to stop, I got off and reminded him of what his promise was, only one kiss, nothing more. . He told me to get in the back seat, I glanced back and saw a gun. (later i found out it was only an airsoft gun, but in the dark i really couldnt tell) This frightended me and I got back there. I then saw a walmart sack that had flavored lotion, condems, etc. Then I realized I had been set up all along! Why did this keep happening to me? Why me? I was in shock and couldnt do anything about it. I couldnt scream, couldnt move, couldnt fight. This Brandon that was controlling me was not the Brandon I thought I knew. Had it been a lie the whole time? Who was this guy? Then all the sudden I got a surge of energy, of anger. I screamed and fought and grabbed my clothes and opended the car door and just started running. I didnt care if I was butt naked, all I cared about was getting away. I have never run that fast in my life, he chased me with his car, but I went into the woods so he couldnt get me. Then when I had lost him, I went back into my room, got dressed and got in bed. I didnt go to sleep that night, I was still in shock, of what had just happend.
I went to a Youth America confrence over fall break at Church of the Harvest. This was such a fun expeirience! I finally met good Christian friends! I reconnected with God and was doing good spiritually again. I realized that the guy I was dating was distracting me from God and I felt like when I got home I needed to call and break up with him. . well. . Satan didnt like this idea. .
After the conference was over and I was standing out in the front area looking at T-shirts, this older guy, Brandon, started talking to me about this small Bible College he was attending. He said he wanted to send me flyers and information about it and asked for my name number and address. I actually bought into it and gave it to him. 2 days later he calls me and just starts talking to me, we had about a 20 min conversation and then get off. Afterwards, I felt a little weird. Wasnt sure if this was right or wrong? Did God have me break up with that other guy for God? or for Brandon?
Brandon was 21 and I was only 15. He was in a Bible college where he made the committment not to date till June 07, and it was only October 06. He kept calling me though and we were talking more and more. He admitted he liked me but couldnt officially use the name "girlfriend" with me because of his committment. I had no trust with my parents, so I was not allowed to go out on dates, so I would have him over to the house alot. Everytime my parents would comment about the age difference, I would throw at them how they are 6 years apart. By dating an older guy it made me feel more mature, or older myself. The one thing that I would find strange was EVERY time he would come over he would bring soo many gifts for me! It was almost overwhelming! He was becomming just obbessed with me. Teddy bears, after chocolates, after flowers, after candy, after clothes, or hats. He bought me anything and everything! He even bought me a white gold ring, with a diamond. And a $120 figure skating dress! When I say he was obbessed, I mean it. This almost scared me.. and it may sound weird, but I was getting sick of him bringing me so much stuff! I felt like he was trying to buy my love.
Well the people at his college found out about me and he got kicked out. This upset me and made me question if I was doing the right thing or not. In the begginning of the relationship we agreed that we werent going to kiss, a few weeks later we agreed we were going to do nothing more than kiss, and then we just agreed we wouldnt have sex. He was starting to pressure me into things. On the phone he would ask me weird questions and would want me to have phone sex with him. I had never done this before and this made me soo uncomfortable. It became and everyday routine though, he would call, and I could tell in his voice just exactly what he wanted. This was our main cause of fighting; After we would have phone sex, he would apologize and pray, and then say it was my fault for tempting him so much. I didnt understand! I was the one that didnt want to do it! Most of the time I would just pretend. Then, he started asking me to take pictures for him. This wasnt too strange, back in 8th grade I started taking pornic pictures for guys who asked.
But I started seeing his main drive and desire for me though. I realized his focus had shifted and sex was all he wanted. When I was with him, he would alway ask me to go to the bathroom and take off my underwear to give to him. Everything he asked of me I found perverted and disgusting! I felt like I was a slave again. I didnt like it. I wanted out!
Feb 23, 2007, I said we needed to go on a fast from each other. I needed a break and a time to rethink things. Over these three days I prayed and fasted. I knew that Brandon was bad news and that I needed out. On Feb 26th, 2007, I called him and told him the news, that I had had enough, and we were through. He begged me to sneak out that night just to talk to him, that he wanted to kiss me one last time and that was all! Being the naive self I was, I agreed. He picked me up and we drove down a dirt road and parked, I brought this book that I had been reading, exlpaining sexual purity and courting etc; the main reason why I broke up with him. I went into his car that night, expecting to have good conversation with him, explaining my new revelation! I was almost excited. Well, as soon as we stopped he looked at me, he had this look in his eye that I had never seen before! It scared me to death! Brandon no longer had brandon's eyes, but the eyes of someone whom I didnt even know! They were cold and possessed, and he looked like he was about to prey. He asked me for that one kiss, I agreed and kissed him. He told me not to stop, I got off and reminded him of what his promise was, only one kiss, nothing more. . He told me to get in the back seat, I glanced back and saw a gun. (later i found out it was only an airsoft gun, but in the dark i really couldnt tell) This frightended me and I got back there. I then saw a walmart sack that had flavored lotion, condems, etc. Then I realized I had been set up all along! Why did this keep happening to me? Why me? I was in shock and couldnt do anything about it. I couldnt scream, couldnt move, couldnt fight. This Brandon that was controlling me was not the Brandon I thought I knew. Had it been a lie the whole time? Who was this guy? Then all the sudden I got a surge of energy, of anger. I screamed and fought and grabbed my clothes and opended the car door and just started running. I didnt care if I was butt naked, all I cared about was getting away. I have never run that fast in my life, he chased me with his car, but I went into the woods so he couldnt get me. Then when I had lost him, I went back into my room, got dressed and got in bed. I didnt go to sleep that night, I was still in shock, of what had just happend.
Phone call after phone call from Brandon, I finally answered. My tone was mean and cold. He said that he was stupid and he was sorry. I didnt know what to believe. So I just blocked him out of my life. I felt guilty for putting myself in that situation. It was my fault right? I felt like I had broken my vow with God, about not having sex untill marriage. God could NEVER forgive me now. I was a horrible sinner, and I just had to accept that. I had had enough. Every time that I tried to get better and act more responsibly, something even worse would happen! It was a cycle in my life, that I just had to get use to. I felt as if things would NEVER change. .
Sorry 10th grade is so long!! next post will be part 3 of 10th grade. love you guys! Thank you for reading and I hope this doesnt upset you, but make you happy to know that even though satan will try to throw sooo many things against us with God, we are strong enough to endure them and get past them! I hope you see I'm giving God ALL the glory! He has changed me, loved me, and molded me into someone completely different! In His eyes I am now a princess, and you are too! (or prince) :)
5 comments:
All I can say is wow. That almost brought me to tears. (you know how I don't cry) :) My heart is so burdened that you felt like it was your fault and that's all there was for you. It truly breaks my heart. It's amazing to see how he's changed you!! Much love!
I'm behind on my blog reading and just realized you are posting your story. I am so proud of you for sharing all this. It must be so incredibly hard. But I know there are going to be so many that read this that it will minister to. I love you my sweet girl. I'll be checking back for the rest of the story.
Mandy, haha, wow impressive! I ALMOST made you cry! ok, jk
but anyways, I've missed you alot, and you have no idea how much it means to me that you're reading this. love you!
Aims, hey pretty girl! Its totally fine, and it just tickles me that you're reading now! thank you!! well it was good seeing you the other night! love ya!
this warrior makes me cry tears of anger. i weep for him. so close yet the enemy has a dominant stronghold. this may sounds weird but i know im supposed to meet him. i know it. the enemy inside i will suppress so i wont spend my life in jail, but this guy needs the REAL Jesus. a part of the reason i want to meet him is the disgust, anger, bitterness, repulsion, fury, and pull-your-hair-out,clinch-your-teeth hurt is the enemy wanting dominion over his life. and he's trying to keep it that way. the Jesus in me knows i need to meet him and show him Him.
on an unrelated note:
i wept for you. not for Wendy, but for the girl sprinting through the woods dodging trees and avoiding his car. it breaks me in 7546321904763210 pieces knowing these things happen... and to such an undeserving person!!! you deserve someone far more sincere. someone to show you what true "love" is. not teddy bears, twisted lies and 3-part rings; but dedication, persistence, compassion, service and honor. i am sorry where ive fallen short. you are truly a diamond.
forgive me Hope!!
well... i dont know if meeting him is such a good idea!! haha.
plus i dont even know how to get ahold of him now..
but i love your heart :)
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