MY STORY PART FIVE- 9TH GRADE(first half)

So lets start with the summer between 8th and 9th grade. I went to a Todd Bentley confrence in July. This really opended up my eyes and I knew I wanted to change and I found hope! After the confrence I found him in the hall. He has a ministry called Fresh Fire. They were going on a mission trip to Uganda end of August and had one spot left. The deadline was already passed a long time ago but he said he would leave that one spot open for me if my parents said yes and I raised the money. So, I was extremely excited and ready to change! To started praying more and reading my bible, trying to make better decisions in just everyday life. A little over a month I found myself on a plane flying over Belguim on my way to Uganda, Africa. Everything happend so fast I couldnt believe it! Africa was amazing and I really connected with God here. It was an awesome experience that will forever impact my life!

I returned home and still was doing good! Getting a little less on fire for God. . but still praying ect. . Guess I was just on a Jesus High for a couple months. . but it soon disenecrated. I returned to Deer Creek and this was my first year of high school! For once, I was actually popular! It felt like a dream, I was so fake that I didnt even feel like myself, just like I was living somebody else's life. I cant really explain it, but all I know is I was 100% hyprocritical and fake! And because I was popular, all the cute guys were noticing me!

October 14th, 2005 the president of our class, Houston, asked me to be his girlfriend, AND to the homecoming formal on the 15th! (yeah, talk about short notice!) Well I said yes and went home and begged my parents! Since he was like the most popular kid in our class then man, this would make me school wide known! haha, I didnt even like him that much, I was solely dating him for selfish reason. To make myself more liked and wanted.

After a while of convincing my parents, they said yes. I was so excited, this was my first formal! Although I was a little disappointed because it was in such short notice, and I just felt a little cheated out of it. But the next day October 15h, 2005, he and his parents came over to pick me up and they met my parents. We then went back to his house to meet the other couple and take pictures. He was giving me a tour of his house and showed me the game room upstairs. Here, he stopped me and pulled me in and kissed me, then his exact words were "man, i've waited SO long to do that!" My first thought was gah, this guy is a perve! We havent even been dating 24 hours and he just COULDN'T wait to kiss me! So this showed me he had no patience, or self control.

Then we went to eat at Sushi Niko and then to the dance. They just dropped us off on the campus becuase we couldnt find which buildint it was. So all four of us were aimlessly walking around UCO in the dark, trying to find the dance. Houston suggested we split up and we could find it faster! I thought this was a horrible idea and just said I wanted to stay with Angel and Chicago! (the other couple) But after fighting his strong will won. So we split up and started wondering in the dark by ourselves trying to find it. I felt soo uncomfortable and just wanted to go to the dance!

He then started steering away into the shadows, pulling my hand and telling me to follow. We went down this weird staircase and found this little weird concrete room, no one was around. I was scared and disappointed. I didnt like the situation I was in. He said he just wanted some time alone with me first and just wanted to kiss me. So we just started kissing and he insisted on doing more.

I had NO intentions of loosing my virginity that night. 1) it was with a guy i barely even knew! 2) I was only 14. and 3) I was basically forced into it. I dont want to call it 'rape' because yes I could've fought alot more! I could've hit him or gotten away. But at the same time, I didnt want to at all. I only wanted to go to the dance. He told me everything would be ok. He told me not to fight. And even though my spirit was willing, my flesh was weak. I was scared to even scream. I got no enjoyment, no pleasure out of it. And walking away, all I felt was dirty.. I was upset that the very thing I held on to, was just ripped away from my hands. Could I really blame him though? Didnt I allow it to happen? I could've been stronger. I just beat myself up for the way I responded in that situation. I know I could've prevented it, but he saw inside me, and knew he could prey on it.

After all that happend we then found the building the dance was in and went. I felt kinda dizzy and in a daze. . I didnt even really want to dance anymore. . Everyone was saying the dance was lame, and Houston called his parents to come get us and a group of his friends. About 15 of us went back to his house and just hung out and drank. The night didnt go AT ALL how I planned. More than just dissappointment swormed me. I wanted just to shrivel up and dissapear.

I went home and tried to hide the tears behind my eyes, the hickies on my neck, and the shame and guilt that so rudely butted into my life. . I crawled in bed, and hid under the covers, wanting never to wake again...

The next monday at school was a mess! He told just about EVERYONE in the entire school! Even the seniors knew who I was. I was now this school slut, that slept with the class president, star football player, and wrestler, just after dating him for 24 hours. Yeah.. I def could not forget what had happend, I was reminded of it every step I took down the hallway, every whisper behind my back, and every giggle in my face. It was a nightmare and even though my popularity soared, my character and integrity and self esteem was demolished.

Because I then felt like I really had nothing to lose now, and I couldnt screw up any worse, and why try to change cause this is just the way it is, then I started sleeping with him and one other guy on a regular basis. I felt like I had to start liking it, and what I was doing, because this is just the way its always going to be! I felt no turning back. No sense of help.

I was stuck. I was hopeless. I was alone.

Next post will be a continuation of 9th grade.