MY STORY PART TEN- SUMMER OF 2007

I loved getting to know Shanna and the family! I didnt have a job yet so I was there almost 100% of the time, because I hadnt met very many good friends yet either. These days were spent, talking and laughing, crying and mourning, sweeping and cleaning, and playing with the boys. It was quite fun, they completely accepted me in and treated me like their daughter! They changed their playroom into my room and were just so giving and loving. I really liked how Godly and accepting this family was!

I would LOVE to say I was perfect from here out, but I still went through soo many issues, and had so many problems to take care of! When I moved out of Nates and into Shannas, Dean threw a fit! He wanted me to stay next door to him. We started fighting alot. I talked about him some to Shanna and Jerome and they would talk to me about how its not the best idea for me to be dating him. This was such a hard decision! But after praying alot and having their encouragment, I broke up with him June 3rd, 2007. He was not happy!

This was ALOT of pain I had to deal with! He would call me a b*tch and and other names and was very harsh verbally. I took all these things personally, just like I always do and felt alot of rejection. This is where I fell into a depression. I was torn and didnt know which way to run. the Crawfords in one hear telling me theres such a better life out there for me! And that God wants to help me! And Dean was in another ear begging for me to run back away, we could even go out of state! and no one would ever find us!

Well then June 15th-24th, 2007 I took a vacation to NC with my family! I was so excited about this trip! Nothing more fun than 10 days single on the beach! We stayed in a condo right on the beach. . The first few days it was innocent fun! I loved the waves, the shopping, the family dinners! In the begginning I was so enjoying getting to be with my family again! I didnt realize how much I missed them!

But then, mid-week, I started getting bored and noticing guys, and noticing that guys were noticing me! I was such a flirt! A group of older, (prob in their 20s) called me over and started talking to me, they invited me to a party that night across the street! I told my sister I was going, and she refused to let her little sis go all by herself! So we went up to my mom asked if we could go, but lied and said we were going put put! anyways, so we went, it was a little lame, but ok. I ended up sleeping with the guy I had met on the beach that morning.

The last day, I ran into him again on the beach, we agreed about meeting on the beach that night at midnight. It was the last night, so I wanted to do something crazy! Anyways, I snuck out and went down on the beach. (pause, so being on the beach, at midnight, full moon, waves crashing, all alone, with little crabs running around is the most gorgeous site i've ever seen!)
anyway! so I was waiting and waiting, and he wasnt coming, I was all alone, in the dark looking into the abbyss of the ocean! I saw two guys walking towards me! I couldnt make out who they were but it looked kinda like him, So I screamed "zack?" and they came up and I saw it wasnt him. But they started talking and flirting with me. For a while we just laid there and talked. . but then they convinced me to follow them.

We walked about a half mile to his jeep and met some of their other friends. We all piled in his jeep and decided to go hotel hopping looking for hotubs! None of us were wearing swimsuits though, so this was my first experience of skinny dipping! When we were at some hotel in some random hot tub, this is where I had sex with those two guys I didnt even know their name! While that was happening one of their friends came up and asked me if I would sleep with him too. The hotel manager guy came out though and called the plolice, we escaped. But me and the two guys friend. . I dont know his name either went down on the beach where no one was and I had sex with him! This was probably the sluttiest nights of my life!

Well the sun started to rise, I was scared, and didnt have a clue where I was! This last guy was from Virginia and said he would support me if I came and lived with him! I seriously considered it, went to his car, they were leaving that morning, and no one would ever find me in Virginia! It was tempting. . but I decided I just couldnt do that to my family! So around 5 am, I was some miles away from my condo, the sun was rising, and I had NO clothes(from skinny dipping, the other guys stole them)! The guy gave me his Tshirt, and it was really big so it covered me. barefoot I ran, I dont know how far, and I dont know how long. I remember crying and screaming! I felt so guilty for what I had just done! This was the first time I had really prayed and begged to God in true repentance in a LONG time! I almost felt refreshed..

I still to this day have no idea how I made it back to the condo! It was only by God-given strength. . I was weak and tired but still ran mile after mile, lost, trying to find my way. There were other people by this time, and they must have that I was one CRAZY lady! Running, with only a t shirt on, crying uncontainably and screaming for desperation! I kinda look back at this time and laugh, I must have looked soo silly to everyone else! haha.

Well I made it back and crawled in bed, everyone still asleep, and no one knew.

Now, explaining why I did the things I did... This was my way of dealing with the rejection Dean gave me and I broke up with him. I wanted to still feel like guys liked me, I wanted to know I wasnt worthless. All that this did was make things worse! Instead of healing, it brought more pain! more distortion! more that I just had to deal with. I felt so guilty.

Next post will be about when I got back to Oklahoma and how I dealt with everything that had happend.